Holy Rosalie
by iphooqui
Summary: Alice has some fun with the pastor's daughter at church. One-shot. Rated M for language, femmeslash, and Bible bashing. OOC, AU, AH.
1. Holy Rosalie

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Summary: Alice has some fun with the pastor's daughter at church.**

**Rating: M for language, femmeslash, and Bible bashing.**

**WARNING: This story expresses negative views about God, religion, and the Bible. I do not recommend this to those who are sensitive about such topics.**

**Shout out to my beta and bestie best friend, Severus-Toujours, for catching tricky errors and writing a fabulous critique.**

"_**Holy Rosalie**_** begins with a great punch in the face challenging the norm and speaking frankly about touchy subjects. The punches keep rolling from start to finish with perfectly placed wise cracks on churchgoers, conniving horny teens and hilarious family dynamics. iphooqui is one to watch—fans will be **_**screaming **_**for more…pun intended." –Severus-Toujours**

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><p><strong>ALICE<strong>

Why can't somebody do a person a favor without expecting one in return? It is truly not a favor then if you ask me. Also if said favor was not requested by the receiving party but was instead a result of a pure act of kindness and altruism by the suppliers, then they _really_ have no business anticipating any form of reciprocity. Yes, I know it would be the humane thing to do and I am not saying I wouldn't, but goddamn it, why did it have to be the Hales that pulled over to lend a hand when my alternator decided to eat shit and die on my way home? Out of all the people in this town, it just had to be the notorious Pastor Hale and his too-damn-friendly family. I have only interacted with them maybe three or four times, but my mom is good friends with the pastor and his wife, given that she attends their bloody services every Sunday. She also volunteers and does some charity work with them during her spare time.

To hell with that—pun intended.

My twin brother Emmett and I were never taught about the Bible and never stepped foot into a church when we were kids. Both of our parents grew up as Christians and did the whole Sunday school, Bible study, spiritual retreats and the works until they moved far, far away from home and said fuck it all. So, naturally, they avoided it like the plague when it came to their own kids. I did not even know who God was until sometime late in elementary school. My best friend at the time was absolutely thunderstruck when I asked who that was, and began regurgitating all of this information about him and the Bible that even at age eight sounded like total foolishness.

I have been incredibly skeptical of the irrational stories in the Bible and the fairytale garbage that surrounds the world of religion ever since. I do not buy that some insignificant human being split up the Red Sea with his bare hand under the instruction of some powerful spirit in the sky that no one has ever seen or that snakes were once capable of articulating full sentences or that a certain woman could spontaneously and independently procreate. Shit like that does not happen. Have someone split the Red Sea today and show me a talking snake and a true pregnant virgin that did not undergo some sort of artificial fertilization and maybe I'll start to believe it.

And I do not care what fantasy justification his followers come up with, but there is no way in hell that an omnibenevolent and omnipotent mysterious presence exists high above us when this world is so appallingly fucked up.

I do not blame anyone for my personal beliefs, but had I been introduced to this mystical and illogical bullshit when I was young and gullible, perhaps I'd feel differently about it today. The only reason I can imagine Mom doing this church shit now after so long is because Daddy walked in on her groping and making out with my best friend Bella's mom in our pool and out of utter fear of being sent to the fiery pits of hell, she turned to the big white castle-like building to refine her relationship with the Lord.

Truth be told, I don't even think Daddy cared. Like any decent member of the male species, I am almost convinced he was turned on and wanted nothing more than to join them both.

Pardon my rant, but this brings me back to the Hale family. From what I've taken in, they seem like a pleasant group of people. But knowing that their entire existence surrounds and encourages every single idea I'm strongly opposed to, I think it best to keep a sizeable distance.

That explains why I was a little disturbed and offended when Pastor Hale and his wife kindly invited me to join them and my mom at their church the following Sunday after they had generously purchased a brand spanking new alternator for my car. I knew this was their way of requesting a returned favor in the form of providing publicity. Fine if they thought I was going to promote their little cult, but in reality I would not have recommended this lifestyle to my worst enemy. I don't see how they did not get the hint the last few times they so casually suggested to my mother that she bring Emmett, Daddy and me along within earshot of us all and neither of us have yet to accompany her.

Although I'd have rather cleaned up elephant shit at the local zoo on Sunday than be in a room surrounded by the naïve and hypocritical, I was only partially curious about Pastor Hale's two kids, Edward and Rosalie. They were also twins about a month or two younger than Emmett and me. I hardly spoke two words to them all four times that we've seen each other and that left me only a little intrigued. They were both home schooled and incredibly reserved, especially the boy Edward. He was actually somewhat cute, but strange. He acknowledged and greeted me when fitting, but afterward he would retreat behind his parents and just stand there straight-faced with his hands behind his back. I almost felt bad for the kid. I assume the only female interaction he was allowed outside of home was with a bunch of conservative girls from church who were also home schooled and taught that boys and girls should not play together. I hope when he turns eighteen he runs far, far away like my parents did.

Away from Jesus. They have got just a few months to go.

Now the sister Rosalie was a little something exquisite. If her parents allowed it, there was no doubt in my mind that she would be all over billboards, magazine covers, and runways. Everything about her gorgeous soft face drew me in, especially those big blue eyes and plump pink lips. Even under those horrendous church clothes I could see there hid a goddess-like Amazonian figure. No loose fabric could hide those perfectly round melons or the pleasant curve of her backside. I even caught Emmett straining his eyes as he checked her out once, most likely trying to imagine her clad in nothing but her panties.

She was a little sweeter and more approachable than her brother, but still restrained herself from any excess conversation. I always remember the small and coy grin she'd supply me with every time I realized she had caught me gawking at her. That grin brought about an itching in certain happy places and I wondered whether or not she knew precisely why I was staring so hard. Hell, probably not. Chances were she was brainwashed with that biblical bullshit and more likely than not had all the recognizable sins committed to memory. She was simply demonstrating her cultured etiquette and displaying the flawless and well-ripened fruits of Mr. and Mrs. Hale's labor.

Whatever. That did not make her any less hot.

Supposing I would have the opportunity to exchange a few words with Ms. Rosalie beyond common greetings made me less reluctant to get out of bed the following Sunday to get ready for that morning's dreadful services. Actually I was vaguely looking forward to hearing live bullshit from the Bible so I could snort or silently make a case against it. For just two seconds I mulled over the possibility of those magical and benign spirits sensing a crafty and doubtful suspect in God's house. That would be interesting.

True to form, my dickhead brother Emmett was in pure hysterics as soon as I entered the kitchen in that yellow sundress Grandma brought me when she came to visit earlier this spring. The dress was cute, but strapless and above the knees was more my style and this was far from it. I suppose that was the reason I was wearing it to church.

"Shut the fuck up, fart breath," using a plastic spoon, I flung a lump of butter towards his oversized head. Naturally, I missed.

"Alice, it is too early for this," Mom cautioned from the sink. "Did nobody tell you, son? You are coming with us."

Now it was my turn to make fun, especially after catching sight of that uproarious expression he aimed at Mom.

"What! But Mama, I—"

"Ah, AH! You are going! Just this once. If you do not like it you are free to do without just as you always have. Both of you are. Now finish your breakfast and get ready. We are leaving in twenty minutes," Mom really wasn't bullshitting.

"Ha, ha," I teased again. Mom shot me a maternally threatening glare. "What about Daddy?"

Mom simultaneously shook her head and rolled her eyes. To this day she is still rather envious that I demonstratively address him by Daddy and her simply by Mom. Frankly it's nothing personal. Except that Daddy lawfully spoils me, as he is appropriately entitled to do so.

"I talked him into it as well. We are all going."

"Oh, boy! Fun family bonding time!" I cried out with mock enthusiasm.

"What a thrill!" Daddy played along as he planted one on my forehead and joined us at the table.

See, and he gets me, too.

"All right, you two. The longest we will be there is two hours. Please behave yourselves," Mom eyed us both.

"No need to fret, Mom. I'm confident those two hours will provide me with much needed entertainment. It's about that time I get my fix of the laughable gobbledygook," I provided a sweet smile to boot.

"Gobbledy—_what? _Where do you come up with this stuff?" Emmett's face twisted into something a little frightening. The characteristic expression of a thickhead at its best.

"Emmett, go find something decent to wear," Mom shooed the bighead away after he loaded his last and entire waffle into his mouth with his bare hands.

Unbelievable.

"So you know if this affair stretches out just a minute over two hours I'm walking out, right? I should probably drive myself there, then," Daddy declared and casually sipped his coffee. I giggled out loud.

"Oh, I don't know what to do with you two sometimes!" Mom was annoyed, but I saw she was fighting to keep that smirk at bay.

Emmett wound up requiring major assistance from Mom to find an appropriate combination of garments for our trip to the holy realm of imprudence. Now I'm almost certainly making my beloved fraternal twin brother out to be an absolute brainless mass of semi-man, but that's what sisters are for. He's actually quite sharp when he applies himself but, regrettably, that is just not something he takes a crack at very frequently. Oh, well. He sure did look fancy in his smooth light yellow polo and freshly pressed khaki slacks when he finally emerged from his room with minutes to spare before our due departure. Though incredibly impressive, I was only faintly bothered by Mom's choice—whether subconscious or intentional—to don him in colors that corresponded with my dress. I swear if she still had primary control over our daily attire we would be complementing one another like we used to eight years ago. I am so grateful those days are over.

The moment I crossed the threshold from the brilliant and welcoming outdoors to the cold and ironically sinister castle of senselessness I began to regret my decision to partake in such a despicable affair. The volume of Bible slaves congregating at the stage and falling to their knees was incredible. They were making fools of themselves! It was difficult to survey but captivating at the same time and I ultimately settled on the ugly ass artwork all over the walls. Nauseating, but far better than watching the shameful ignorance at the front of the room.

"This is fucking lame," Emmett appeared beside me and bent closer to keep our conversation out of militant ears.

"Uh, _yeah_," I quirked both brows.

"How much you bet I can find some pussy here before it's time to leave?" Emmett held back his laughter as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"You mean pussy you can take home to fuck at a later date or right here?" I needed him to elucidate before I began throwing numbers at him.

"_Al,_" he hissed and peered around to check if anyone had heard me.

I didn't exactly follow the low-key method that time around. I shrugged, honestly not giving a shit. It would come as an immense satisfaction to be chucked out of here.

"To take home for later. Keep your voice down," he growled after finding my offensive language went unheard by the public.

"Hmm."

I scanned the room for potential candidates. These pretty young girls dressed in conservative cardigans, ankle length skirts and dresses and other grotesque combinations of clothing were not fooling me. I bet every single one of their slutty hypocritical asses would be quick to drop their panties for any decent guy that crossed their path. Emmett's chances were looking fabulous.

"And how exactly do you plan to talk to these girls?"

"I don't know. I'll sit next to some. Something. I'll figure it out."

If I had to name one thing that Emmett and I have in common, it would be our natural and faultless gift to charm the ladies. Thanks, Daddy.

"Twenty bucks."

"_Twenty bucks?_ Come on, I know you can do better than that!"

"Take that as a compliment, bro. I have faith in you. I am not about to risk the big ones if I'm confident you'll stumble upon some ass up in here."

"That's the point. I'm trying to make money off of you. It's not like Dad won't give it all back if you asked," he rolled his eyes.

"Fine, we will do it like this. The hotter the girl, the more you earn. And only because you have already successfully managed to be a complete pain in my ass, I will raise the base price to fifty."

Oh, right. Something else we have in common. Nine out of ten times we see eye to eye when it comes to the level of attractiveness of people, male or female. No, my brother does not play for both teams like me but he is not afraid to acknowledge good looks on another guy. I may have been somewhat responsible for that, however, when I knocked some discretion into his ass a few years back with my plastic baton when he assumed it suitable to openly express negative opinions about any degree of homosexuality. Daddy helped me too, but with encouraging words, not a flimsy weapon. Emmett is now a devoted supporter of the gay community and even recommends some amazing girls for me from time to time. I love my brother.

As for Mom, well, she was pretty neutral about it and appeared most comfortable when no one spoke of the subject, but she is obviously not opposed to touching or kissing another woman herself.

Mm-hmm.

"Oh, that can be done," he asserted with a confident smirk. "See you later," and he disappeared.

I felt only mildly humored and rebellious over the fact that I just gambled, used foul and vulgar language and am presently checking Ms. Rosalie out all under God's roof. And I have barely been here ten minutes. I am also a little confused that he hasn't yet tried to find a way to banish me from this place. You know, seeing as I have been sinning since the minute I've stepped in here and everything. After all, he is the magnificent possessor and manipulator of all things.

Confessing what followed is not an easy task, mostly because I feel cheesy and awkward just thinking about it but I suppose we all have our moments. My moment was more or less a blur since I could not say how long it lasted or what was running through my mind as it happened. What I do remember is I was shamefully puzzled when I suddenly found myself settling down just two rows behind the blonde beauty close to the front of the room. My last conscious recollection of the past couple minutes of my life brought me to the opposite end of the large room with Emmett, but between that and me currently resting my bum on the pew in perfect harmonization with Rosalie, I had nothing.

Did I go after her while in a state of subconsciousness? Did I look like a complete freak stalker as I did it? Why the fuck don't I remember anything? I was thoroughly embarrassed and I still had no idea what happened. Perhaps God or Jesus or somebody magical played a part in this. Maybe they're telling me to pursue her.

In the words of my dazzling brother, _that can be done_.

For now, though, all that can be done is some back of head staring. Or more specifically, some back of Rosalie's cute head and side of gorgeous face staring.

I must've fallen into another stupor shortly thereafter, but this time I remembered every tiny picture that danced through my tainted mind. I will spare the specifics, but I imagined a huge scenario involving the brightly illuminated London Bridge at night, a kitten, a bag of marshmallows, fireworks, and yours truly. I have an itty bitty baby obsession with cats, so it is imperative to understand exactly how fucking sexy it was to have that kitty there. No it's not a sick sexual obsession or anything, but it'll make more sense once I describe what happened next.

The kitty and I were strolling down the topmost part of the enormous structure just minding our business. I was happily snacking on marshmallows and benefiting from the breathtaking view when suddenly the kitten began to transform! There was a lot of noise, smoke and cheesy music in the background but the end result was Rosalie as Catwoman. She didn't have that stupid mask on her face but the cat ears were there and she wore that pleasant skintight bra thing and pants and some monstrous six-inch stilettos. This is when the fireworks shot and exploded all around us. It was splendidly cheesy and I loved it. She crawled over to me and snatched the bag of marshmallows clean from my hand and leaped off the edge of the overpass above down to the bridge! She was falling at about eighty miles per hour but landed gracefully…like a cat. Then a massive chase ensued but eventually she let me capture her and we proceeded to have wild sex. It was fantastic.

Whoops, there I go again. Shamelessly sinning in God's house. It's nothing I can avoid, honestly.

With that said, I was in and out of attentiveness for the better part of the first hour, switching from gazing around the awful room but mostly at Rosalie, to fantasizing the things I'd do to her should we ever find ourselves alone.

I barely paid heed to her dad preaching fanatically on the stage and I was starting to grow impatient upon realizing there was at least another hour left of this shit.

And then I heard the ultimate bullshit. I nearly stood to furiously object, curse, and verbally lash out on some of these terribly informed idiots. Instead, I took a minute to mentally scream and inhale deeply. Okay, listen to this.

"Nobody on this planet is born without sin because our blood is contaminated by our mother's blood in the womb," or some shit like that.

_The fuck?_ Did you hear that record needle scratch in the background too?

This is far off the mark. On so many fucking levels.

As a firm believer of the biological standpoint of how life works, it is safe to conclude that Mr. Hale is full of shit. Not only would an episode where mother and baby's blood mix together almost certainly prove critical for both parties, this asshole also immorally insults all women with that ongoing arrogant theory established by men that we are all impure and unclean. Also, sins are contagious like that? Shame!

The rage I felt within was unreal. I could no longer stand to look at his face or listen to the putrid garbage that spilled from his mouth.

"Fuck this," I rumbled as I squeezed between my neighbors' knees and the pew in front.

As I followed the aisle towards the exit, I spotted Emmett getting warm and cozy with a fiery redhead. Her face was hidden from my view but Emmett and I had collectively determined long ago that regardless of facial features, body type, or character, redheads automatically get a hundred points.

"_Fuck_," I could not hold back the wide grin that followed as Emmett cast a sly glance in my direction.

The plan was to be dramatic and barge out of the morbid castle and wait a few minutes for Daddy to come following, but I had a sudden change of heart the second I turned to my left and caught a glimpse of her floating blonde hair disappearing into the ladies' restroom. I played off being lost for a little while until I found what I was looking for.

"Alice!" She gasped with a start and brought her hand to her chest when I not so gracefully entered the restroom.

She had been standing in front of the sink, picking at her eyelash and applying lip balm before I interrupted.

"Did I scare you? I'm sorry," I smiled politely through the mirror and turned on the faucet to wash my hands. I was already wildly turned on by how she had breathed out my name.

She relaxed, showing me a sweet forgiving smile and returning to tackle her eyelash. I watched her through slightly narrowed eyelids as I scrubbed my hands.

"How do you like the service?"

"Eh," I openly expressed my disapproval with a disgusted frown.

"I know. I come here a lot just to get away. I'll sit on those comfy seats over there until my mom comes looking for me," she nodded towards the fancy resting area at the opposite end of the room.

"_Really_," I thought out loud.

It was comforting to hear that even the pastor's kid had no interest in listening to his bullshit. Things were looking good. As I turned to reach for a paper towel, I glanced at the door. Bingo! It had a lock. Now I have to figure out how I will manage to lure her to the top of that table back there.

"Well, you know. It gets old. I've been listening to the same old sermons all my life."

"No, I totally get it," as I dropped my paper towel into the wastebasket, I pressed my back against the door and discreetly locked it behind me. "Do you need help?" I referred to the stubborn eyelash she was still plucking at.

"No thank you, I'm just—ugh, of _course_," she grumbled and cupped her eye. "I almost had it, then it fell in my eye," she laughed.

That is the oldest trick in the book! Is she trying to seduce _me?_ I can play that game too.

"Let me see," I gently wrapped my fingers around her wrist to draw her hand away. I got all up in her face and held her eyelids apart as I hunted for the short strand of light hair. I found nothing. "Blink."

She blinked a few times. I boldly kept a close proximity.

"Is it still there?"

She only shook her head. She was nervous, I could tell. The good kind of nervous.

As soon as her falsely contaminated eyeballs darted towards my lips, I went straight in for the chaste and friendly kiss.

When Rosalie showed no signs of resistance I leisurely guided her towards the table, our innocent kisses gradually progressing to lip biting, licking, and tongue wrestling with each step we took. It stunned me only a bit when her long fingers coiled around my neck, her hand taking a fistful of the short black locks at my nape. That only made it easier for my own hands to roam freely and explore the generous curves of her hips and ass.

We made it to the table with a crash, knocking a bunch of the elegant decorations to the linoleum below and saving us the duty of chucking them ourselves. Finally breaking from our heated make out session I delivered her to the top of the table with a light push to the chest, where I subsequently advanced to unbuttoning her cute but loose floral cardigan. I only undid the top two buttons, eagerly anticipating my first peek at her cleavage when she suddenly began to hesitate.

"Wait. Wait, no. We—we are disrespecting the Lord," she was barely able to utter through her labored breaths.

"Are we?" I mumbled against her hot neck. "I think he'd have put an end to this if he felt that way."

I almost started on my antichrist tirade about the collectively believed theoretical bullshit that God controls the universe, but then I focused on the important matter at hand.

I was about to get some pussy in this church.

And no supernatural authority was going to disrupt my flow.

"Was that snap I heard earlier—was it you locking the door?" She gripped my shoulders. Her head was thrown back as I lapped and sucked at her neck.

Damn I guess it wasn't so discreet after all.

"Mm-hmm."

She continued to respond famously to my lips and tongue on her neck. I used that as a distraction while I finished opening her cardigan, but I still had another fucking layer to remove before I could even get to her bra. That was certainly putting a damper on our already limited time.

No use in wasting more time complaining. I tossed the garment out of the way and easily slipped her out of her light pink undershirt. My face was already in her cleavage as I reached around to unhook her surprisingly cute white bra. It had little cherries on it! She was back to panting and struggling to support her slanted seated position once her rigid nipples made it between my fingers and lips. I rolled, pinched and nibbled, wishing I could spend more time playing with her perfect tits but I feared being discovered before getting a chance to taste her. Fine if Pastor Hale or his wife barge in with their keys _after_ I've had my face buried in their daughter's virginal slit for at least a few minutes.

With that in mind, I skipped removing her long skirt and simply folded it up to her stomach. I hauled her to the edge of the table and pulled up one of those comfy seats aforementioned by Rosalie. I stroked her once with my thumb over her matching cherry panties before I glided them down her long and smooth legs.

I didn't know if it was even true but I loved the idea that Rosalie had never been touched by hands other than her own before so I wanted to reserve the finger fucking for another date, because I knew we would be meeting up to do this again very soon. Even if it had to be back in this very room.

So I took my time tasting and playing with her, massaging her clit with my tongue and fingers. This uncomplicated approach proved successful what with her unrestrained but low moans and trembling hands holding my face in place each time she felt her climax drawing near. After she quivered and pulsated three times under my care I decided it was acceptable for her beloved misogynistic daddy to storm in if he pleased.

What had actually happened, though, was that Rosalie told me she could not take it anymore and begged me to stop.

"I haven't the faintest idea how to do what you just did, but—" just as Rosalie was offering to return the favor, the lever on the door twitched twice, followed by a knock.

Good. I had wanted this to be all about her, anyway. Just this time. Next time not so much.

"Rosie honey are you in there? Why is this door locked?" Mrs. Hale's gentle voice called from the other side.

"I'll be right out! I got sick and made a huge mess. Alice is helping me clean up," she coolly shouted back.

Well, _damn_! And I thought she would be freaking out. That was kind of hot.

"Goodness are you okay, darling? Let me in!" Mrs. Hale panicked and frantically twisted the lever as if it would magically unlock.

Well, it might have, considering we were in the house of holy apparitions.

"I am fine! We'll be out in a minute!"

"Alright. Call if you need anything."

"When did you plan that one?" I asked with an incredulous grin.

"Just now," she giggled and reached for her cherry panties.

"Is there any chance your parents would let us play outside of this…place?" I hedged.

I'd hate to offend by disclosing my true thoughts about this piece of shit castle, especially while I'm trying to plan another play date.

"They'll have no choice once I tell them how you patiently nursed me back to health after I threw my guts up all over the floor," she conspired casually as she stuffed her large perky tits back into her bra.

I think my heart just grew for her a little.

After we dumped some Lysol on the floor and mopped it up so it would at least smell like we cleaned up, I helped Rosalie dishevel her hair and fix it back up to reflect some sort of mishap. All of this was her idea. To say I was utterly impressed would be an understatement.

By the time we emerged from ladies' room, Pastor Hale was in the middle of wrapping up his shitty lecture. Perfect.

"Meet me at the stage when it's over," Rosalie whispered before her long legs sped her up the aisle towards her seat. I stood frozen in awe for a few seconds.

On my way back to my seat, I met eyes with Emmett. I almost laughed out loud at the combination of expressions that read on his face. He definitely knew. He was close enough to the back to see that I had followed Rosalie into the restroom nearly half an hour ago. The fact that she was just all up against my ear probably only refuted any doubts he might have had.

It was my turn to shoot him the sly glance.

I also got a peek of the redhead's face, who was staring back at me curiously, probably because she thought the glance was directed at her. She was fucking gorgeous and she had freckles. A lot of fucking freckles. Freckles automatically earn an extra hundred points. My immediate rating of her was an eight-fifty out of one thousand, and that was _without_ the extra two hundred points. The rest would be determined by body and personality.

Oh, well. No amount of money lost could fuck this day up.

I only had to sit through four more minutes of Pastor Hale's baloney talk, but it wasn't like I was listening to his ass anyway. It was mind-boggling how Emmett managed to make it over to me through the large swarm of religious folks _and_ manage to keep the redhead on his arm.

"Sister, you are _dirty_! This is God's house!"

What an ingenious use of the word _'sister'_ considering where we are. Bravo, brother. I knew his mock distress was employed only to impress the—oh my fucking shit she is a fucking Rosalie with red hair and freckles! I didn't know whether to be happy or jealous.

"Who's your new friend?" I smiled at the confused and almost frightened-looking girl.

"Renesmee," her disorientation morphed into a friendly grin.

_Ruh_—eww. What the fuck is that? Whoever came up with that ought to be legally renamed something like Funkbarfshit. That should affect her final score.

Ruhnaenae's grin faded just as quickly as mine did. "I go by Nessie," I think she was embarrassed.

Fantastic. And her nickname reminds me of a massive brachiosaurus with fins. I am so disappointed. I just have to remember that this isn't her fault and she's fucking hot no matter what.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Alice," my brilliant beam returned as we shook hands. "Will you excuse me for a minute?"

I darted towards the stage where Rosalie waited with her holy parents and weird brother.

"Alice, thank you so much for taking care of Rosie in the restroom!" Mrs. Hale dramatically threw her arms around me. "God bless your kind heart!"

Fuck, did Rosalie tell them she was near death and I provided her with the kiss of life via mouth to mouth?

"That was quite a noble thing you did for our daughter," Pastor Hale put his big ass hand on my shoulder.

"It was my pleasure. I didn't even have to think twice about what I did for her back there. I would do it over again in a heartbeat," oh I crack myself up so much it's stupid!

I couldn't help but glance at Rosalie. Her cheeks had colored crimson and she was fighting back the hysterics as desperately as I was.

Mrs. Hale was nearly in tears. "Oh I knew God brought you to us for a reason!"

_So I could fuck your daughter_?

"To be a loyal guardian and companion for our sweet girl," Pastor Hale brought Rosalie close for a one-armed sideways hug, firmly squeezing her shoulders.

Fuck, are these people serious? Are they so fucking brainwashed that they truly believe it was God's work that joined us on the top of that table? Well, I suppose not since they haven't the slightest idea what actually happened, but goddamn! Are they incapable of letting one little affair _not_ be the product of some miraculous deed?

"That's great, Dad, because I was going to ask if Alice and I could hang out tomorrow. Maybe do dinner and a movie? Perhaps a little slumber party next weekend?" Wow. The way she asked that, so free of any corrupt undertone almost had _me_ fooled.

"Certainly. So long as her parents approve!"

"I'm sure they will—" shit speaking of the rents, I spotted them with Emmett loitering rather impatiently at the exit and staring at me half annoyed and half helplessly. I hadn't noticed how quickly the crowd had cleared out. "I'd forgotten we had somewhere to be. They're waiting for me," I gestured.

"Oh! Okay, well tell your mother I'll see her next Sunday. Hope to see you as well!"

_The hell you will_.

"I'll tell her. Have a great day," I waved as I started down the steps.

"Wait, Alice, you dropped this," Rosalie chased after me with my phone in her palm.

My eyes met hers and she mouthed the words _call me_, bringing her thumb to her ear and pinky to her lips.

"Thanks!" And I ran.

What a fucking day.

"So I got her number and everything. I think she is a perfect thousand. You?" Emmett asked as soon as we hopped in the backseat of Daddy's Mercedes.

"I'd have given her that mark as well, but…that _name_," I still couldn't get over that. "That should've knocked some points off."

"How many?"

"Eh. Not enough to make any kind of dent."

"So you agree she's a thousand?"

"Yes," I groaned.

Emmett glared. "Do you even _have_ that much?"

"I do. And since I am in a good mood today, I think I'll have no problem handing it over. So if you want to get paid I suggest you be nice to me."

"But wait! There's more. You haven't heard my proposition. This wasn't originally part of the bargain, but…what _you_ did was fucking epic—"

"Emmett! What on earth are you two talking about back there?" Mom turned to look at us from the passenger's seat.

"Uhhhhh—" Emmett really wasn't skilled at improvisation. He had no damn business talking about this in front of the rents.

"Emmett and I laid a wager on who could find the most engrossing distraction to pass the time because, face it, we all knew neither of us were going to last long in there. Emmett found a cute girl to flirt with and I—well, I saved Rosalie's life in the ladies' room," I figured it'd get around to Mom eventually.

"Oh, is that what you call it?" Emmett snorted.

I took a jab at his side and stomped on his foot. He started to release an acute and totally girly ass squeak but he bit his tongue before it became loud enough for Daddy and Mom to investigate.

"_You saved Rosalie's life?_" Yeah, Mom was not buying it. I guess she'll feel silly when she hears it from Mrs. Hale, then.

But I decided to keep up with the charade. Mom was used to this sort of behavior and after a while she just stops asking for explanations.

"Yeah and Emmett was just telling me how my distraction was by far the most engrossing and heroic of the two but since the girl he was flirting with was super gorgeous _and_ he got her number, his beautiful distraction cancelled out my…effing epic one so now Emmett and I don't owe each other anything."

And just like that Emmett missed out on a juicy payday.

"Oh my God," Mom shook her head.

Daddy, on the other hand, was chuckling behind the wheel.

"You kiddos are a hoot."

"That's what you get," I showed no sympathy as he cradled his aching side and foot.

"How'd you know I was going to say that?" He hissed incredulously.

"I didn't," no, really. I didn't. I felt kind of awesome about it, though.

"Whatever. You win. I'll get you next time."

That's what he said the last time.

I wound up going down for a two-hour nap in the late afternoon to pick up the slack from this morning. The snooze was both energizing and loaded with effervescent animations of—you guessed it—Rosalie and me. I have to say my thoughts are perverted whether I am conscious or not. This totally sounds paradoxical, but my vivid dreams left nothing to the imagination. Again I will spare the details, but Rosalie and I were naked and touching each other about 95% of the time. The other 5% was of us explicitly _talking_ about being naked and touching each other. It was spectacular and I woke up with my hand in my panties. I considered running to the drawer to recover my favorite vibrator, but I felt that all the graphic images from my dreams would disappear if I moved.

In an instant I recalled when Rosalie slipped my iPhone into my palm and, like a mime, told me to get in touch. I reached for my phone and saw I had a text from a nameless number.

_It's Rose. Save my number!_

I chewed on my lip and replied. _What are you doing now?_

I closed my eyes, feeling sluggish and not wanting to move. I was enjoying every second of it.

My phone chirped a few minutes later.

_Touching myself. Thinking about you. _She had adorned the message with a flushed, sheepish emoticon.

I had to blink and read the text over about ten times. A pastor's kid wouldn't say this!

_Prove it!_

_You sure you want me to do that?_

_Ask your daddy if God's ok with it._

I couldn't even stop myself from that one.

I thought I had offended her when she didn't reply after a couple of minutes. I was trying to come up with some type of apology or explanation when finally my phone buzzed.

_Fuck what they have to say._

And attached to her touching message was a teasing photo of her from the neck to a little below her crotch in that same cherry underwear set, tugging on her bra. I almost felt emotional just then, what with seeing her drop the f-bomb, rebuffing her holy fathers, and that damn taunting photo. I could have cried.

_Well then take that shit off!_

_Already have._

_Prove it! _I repeated.

_Can't right now. I'm busy. Gotta go!_

I sent her four texts practically begging her to show me something but she was gone. I about screamed as I theatrically tossed my phone towards the end of the bed and flung myself under the sheets.

"Wake up sis!" Emmett erupted through the door. "Dad's taking us out to eat for behaving like little angels—hey, what's this?"

Before I had time to take in what was happening my phone had already made it to his large hands. I sat up and waited with a smirk, watching as his eyes and mouth expanded. If he still had any trace of distrust about my true adventures in the ladies' room, that photo certainly was the icing on the cake of invalidation.

"HOLY SHIT! Is that _Rosalie_?" His screech was loud enough to make me shrink away from him.

I took the opportunity to steal my phone back as he gaped moronically at the screen.

"It's her thanks for…for saving her life."

"You're _real_ smooth, Al," he was not amused. "We're leaving in a few minutes. Hurry up," and he walked out.

I had the dumbest grin on my face for the rest of the day. There was a powerful sensation telling me that I was about to have a lot of fun with Ms. Rosalie, independent of any inexplicable force in the sky.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading :-)<strong>


	2. Jesus Is Here

**I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible because nobody likes long ass disclaimers (sorry. It turned out to be pretty long). You could totally skip this, but I advise that you don't. Nobody likes unpleasant surprises.**

**Some of you may have already read this second installment of Holy Rosalie when I first posted it back in November. I took it down after about two weeks simply because I really like this one-shot the way it is and I felt that adding to it would have brought it down. Clearly this is a subjective estimation, but I still want to make this crystal clear:**

**The first chapter of Holy Rosalie is a stand-alone project. The following material is shit I wrote because I had nothing better to do and because my best friend encouraged me to add to it. It was always meant to be a one-shot and it will always be a one-shot. So I implore you lovely readers to consider the following content as 'episodes' rather than chapters because there is definitely no storyline here. If you want a storyline, then STOP right now and take your behind back to part one and don't come back…or read another fic with a storyline.**

**I have already written about seven 'episodes' including this one and so far I have only shared them with the best friend, but after some careful deliberation I decided I wanted to share it with the rest of you…but not before writing this long ass disclaimer. Hang tight, it is almost over. Maybe.**

**For those of you who have read and are familiar with my other projects, you probably already know that all or most of my versions of Stephenie's characters are freaks. Please do not be startled by the shit these characters say and do. I'm not sure why I felt the need to say that, as I have read some filthy stories on here by unapologetic authors (this is not a bad thing), but I suppose I just like to give fair warnings.**

**To put this in plain words, there is sex in just about every 'episode.'**

**Two more things. I tend to copy stuff from myself. In other words, you might see the same stuff in two different fics (huge shout out to those who have read and 'favorited' most or all of my stories! I thank you immensely). It happens a lot with me but I do try to keep it to a minimum. There are only two scenes/events that I can think of right now, but if you see more, then just know you have been justly forewarned (assuming you have stuck around this far down. I swear I am almost done).**

**FINALLY, you may notice a change in the quality of the writing from here on out. It will definitely be more casual than the first chapter because, like I said, these additions were just for fun and were never intended to be published.**

**I am done explaining myself. Now on to the other disclaimers that everyone should have before their stories if they want to avoid getting shit from people. Feel free to skip these (because they are pretty lengthy).**

**I am not Stephenie Meyer. These characters do not belong to me.**

**There is still the occasional bashing of God/Jesus/Bible.**

**This is still extremely OOC.**

**Yeah.**

* * *

><p><strong>ALICE<strong>

"I have to say, I'm impressed that you managed to talk your folks into letting me borrow you on a school night. I thought it was, like, forbidden or whatever. Is—is that in the Bible?"

Rosalie smiled.

"Technically it's not a school night for _me_. Our parents give us the Monday and Tuesday after Easter Sunday off. They're not _that_ strict. They…let me shop for my own casual wear."

Thank you atheist coach Blackford for scheduling a random lacrosse scrimmage before the last two games of the season. Only about four of us showed up, so she took us out for some ice cream and batting instead. Yes, there was one open batting cage and we were the only four there. If that hadn't have happened, I would have felt compelled to attend Pastor Hale's awful Easter Sunday special yesterday. He and his wife have been very generous with Rosalie, and I at least owe them another visit to the church. Alas, I am always stuck with some sort of unexpected event on Sundays.

"I guess I have Jesus to thank for that, don't I?"

I smirked, admiring Rosalie's light green blouse. The top was open and underneath she wore a white camisole, which was useless in covering up all of her glorious cleavage. Her dark blue denim capris were snug around her ass and showed off her shapely calves. She even sexed it up with some white four-inch heels.

"Good evening, ladies. I'm Gianna and I will be serving you tonight. Can I start you two off with a drink?"

I did a double take when I saw our waitress. _Goddamn_ is all I have to say. I glanced at Rosalie, ready to tell her she could order first when I noticed her flushed cheeks and obvious attempt at avoiding the gorgeous server's face.

My eyes narrowed. This was amusing.

"Ah, yes, let me have an Arnold Palmer with extra lemons, please," I placed my menu on the table and beamed at Gianna.

Her dark green eyes lit up and she returned a confident and equally wide smile. I knew then that she had been dazzled.

"Rose, baby—your turn," I said softly and reached over to caress the back of her hand when she didn't say anything immediately after me.

It was the first time I ever called her baby and displayed mild affection in public. The red blush coloring her cheeks grew darker and spread to the rest of her face.

"I—uh, lemonade. Thanks," she stared at her menu.

"All right, I'll be right back with those."

As soon as Gianna was out of earshot I leaned across the table.

"Did Ms. Gianna make my Rosie tingle between the legs?" I whispered.

"_Stop it,_" she whined. Her eyes flickered towards mine and she provided a guilty smile.

"It's okay, Rose. We're humans. I would not mind ending up in a naked, sweaty heap with the both of you," I assuaged. "I'm not…jealous or anything like that. I'd like to have the freedom to stare at and admire anyone I want and I have no right to stop you from doing the same. That's actually a _huge_ turn on."

Rosalie let out a deep sigh and slumped dramatically against the table.

"Oh, thank _God_! I _so_ wanted to eye fuck her a minute ago."

Definitely didn't expect that. Who the hell is she?

"PRAISE _JESUS_!" I shouted passionately and a few heads turned towards our table. "Tell me, Rose. Is it only the ladies that make you itch? Make your heart all aflutter?" I asked sincerely.

I truly wondered if witnessing her getting pounded by a real live dick would be possible.

Her lips twisted to the side. "Hmm, well, I think Emmett is—"

"Don't speak!" I yelled.

My arm flung forward and my palm stopped just inches from her face.

My outburst was entirely ignited by the visual that popped up as soon as she said his name, just as I was starting to imagine her getting pulverized from behind and—need I say more?

"I like…people," she admitted with a timid grin.

"Now _that_ is the Christian way to love, sister," I think all those Jujubes I inhaled on the way here were finally getting to me. "God must be so proud. I'm curious, though. How many people have you—_liked _on…or have liked on you?"

Rosalie blinked.

I blinked.

"For example, I liked on you in the resting area at your daddy's church three weeks ago," and that was the first and last time we had been in such a compromising position.

That needs to change.

"My God, Alice," Rosalie shook her head. "Why all of a sudden are you censoring yourself?"

"I am so sorry," I cleared my throat. "How many people have you fucked?"

"One."

"Just me? _Really?_" I squeaked.

"No, I haven't fucked you yet."

I am wet.

I swallowed. "Well then who was this lucky person?"

"Me," she smirked, eyelids narrowed.

You know…that counts. Totally legit. I am starting to believe God really isn't made up after all! At least, not the God that I envision—the one that is absolutely fine with the pastor's kid loving on all people and touching herself. I mean because obviously he hasn't condemned the sacred family for her naughty, sinful mindset and endeavors. I like this God.

"Ohh," I nodded. "And, besides myself and yourself, how many people have fucked _you_?" I asked in a semi-outdoor voice.

I know many people wouldn't necessarily identify eating and tickling pussy as fucking, but I like to consider any kind of intense sexual contact as fucking, _especially_ if coming is involved.

Someone cleared their throat next to me. By the look on Gianna's face and the crimson shade under her skin I already knew she had heard what I said.

"Here—here are your drinks. Are you ladies ready to order?"

I ordered the chicken and shrimp carbonara and Rosalie requested the parmesan crusted tilapia. We shared our food and fed each other like an excessively romantic couple and even played footsie under the table. I whispered to her across the table the nasty things I wanted to do to her and her to me. The next minute she was creeping over to my side of the booth and slipping her hand under the hem of my dress.

Her fingertips would browse my upper thighs and no matter how wide I'd spread my legs or how many times I pleaded and squirmed, she never moved them higher than the creases at the top of my inner thighs. It was not very nice of her. Gianna eyed us furtively as she periodically passed by, staring for just a second too long when Rosalie's teeth grazed my earlobe but not once did she stop by to check up on us—to ask if we needed refills or anything. Our plates had long been cleaned up and stacked together and after a few minutes I grasped she was not about to bring the check unless Rosalie was safely back on her side. And since she was being awfully mean to me, I voluntarily kicked her ass out of my side of the booth.

I felt like Rosalie's parents did not like setting her on a curfew when she was with me because they wouldn't have wanted to offend her loyal guardian and all, but I sensed they were relieved to use the school night excuse to request her back by nine o' clock. By the time we left Olive Garden we only had seventeen minutes left. Possibly enough time for some road play at twenty miles per hour, but judging by how she was maliciously fucking around with me earlier that opportunity was out of the question.

"Slow down," Rosalie chided after she peeked at my speedometer.

My eyebrows furrowed and I gripped the leather steering wheel. My foot pressed down harder on the gas pedal.

"Pull over!"

I switched lanes like a madwoman.

"Alice!"

"Jesus is with us!" I hollered.

"Pull over now."

Her tone was much more relaxed this time and I finally slowed down to a legal speed.

"Alice. I told you to pull over. Right there," she pointed towards a deserted shopping center. "_Now_!" Suddenly she was urgent.

I turned sharply into the parking lot, taking up three spots when I screeched to a stop.

"Good girl. Now get out."

I sensed the mischief in her tone but I still wasn't absolutely positive she wasn't going to just hop in the driver's seat and peel away. I can see it on the breaking news headlines now in heavy, bold ink: _**Pastor's daughter breaks free from constrained lifestyle in extravagant runaway Lexus**_**.**

"Look I will stop cracking jokes about Jesus—"

"_Get. Out._ On the hood, Alice. If you'd listen to me—"

She had me at _'on the hood.' _I bolted out of the car and eagerly leaped for the hood, tripping twice before finally making it on top. I watched through the windshield as she eased out of the passenger's door with such peaceful fluidity and grace.

"Glad you listened, Alice. You would have been profoundly sorry if you hadn't," Rosalie's words were smooth as she circled the car and stood in front of me.

She glanced at the watch on her left wrist and peered at me.

"Panties off. Now."

My thumbs fumbled under the brim of my blue and white polka dot boy shorts and I made a quick work of easing them down my clean-shaven legs.

"Give them here," she showed me her palm. I dropped them in. "Spread your legs."

Emmett would have an aneurysm if he found out about this—oh. Wait a minute.

A brazen smirk grew slowly on her lips as my legs parted and I pulled my dress out of the way. I thought about teasing her and playing with my pussy, but her plan was obviously time sensitive.

"I took advantage when I noticed there was a glitch in the parental controls last week," she climbed up on the hood with me, grabbing my thigh and rotating me sideways so she could comfortably dig her face between my legs.

Parental controls, huh? So does that mean Mr. and Mrs. Hale stay up late at night watching shit their holy asses know damn well they shouldn't be watching? Some ho—

"Virginal Mother of Jesus Christ," I forgot what I was talking about.

Rosalie's mouth was moving with a purpose, providing just the right amount of pressure as the papillae of her warm and wet tongue brushed firmly against my clit. She never broke contact and her tongue swept in every imaginable direction.

This was a million fucking times better than the scenario I imagined earlier in the shower, involving Rosalie and a nine-inch strap-on. She pushed it into me hard and flicked and tapped at my clit. I had followed the same motions with my fingers and came explosively all over my hand. Good thing nobody was home.

Rosalie nudged around my entrance with her fingers. I moaned, grinding my pussy into her face.

"Yes," I encouraged.

One lengthy and slim finger effortlessly slipped inside. And I probably made that sound like I'm loose or something, but no. Just unbelievably wet.

"May God bless you Rosalie Hale in Jesus name I pray," I mumbled and pointlessly tried to rub at my clit, as if Rosalie's capable tongue wasn't already taking care of that.

"Mm-hmm," her hums vibrated against me as her finger pushed in and out at a slow, steady pace.

I heard the gentle buzz of cars driving down the street behind us and—fuck me! Rosalie is licking and finger fucking my pussy on the hood of my car in the open fucking parking lot and people are just driving by without a clue!

The thought, along with Rosalie's impressively skilled tongue sent me into frenzy. I heard myself yelling stuff, but I couldn't tell you what exactly. I know I deservingly praised Jesus a few times.

When the big, fuzzy glowing balls began focusing back into distinct, boring streetlights I noticed Rosalie's soft hands gliding up and down my legs. I drew out one final heavy sigh and she crawled on top of me.

"What the _fuck_ kind of porn were you watching!"

She silenced me with her lips and kissed me hard and slow, as if to show off and substantiate the outrageously amazing shit she could do with her mouth. How I'd love to see those full lips wrapped around a rock-solid cock. I'm such a pervert.

Rosalie's watch beeped. She sat up slightly and examined her wrist.

"We're late."

We made it to Rosalie's house at a quarter past nine. I asked her what explanation she had brewed up this time and she immediately started telling me about some emergency at the restaurant, somebody choking on some tic tacs, me running up and saving the day with the Heimlich Maneuver, broken plates, and us staying behind like angels from heaven to help clean up.

"They'll _really_ love you for that one," she mused.

I blinked and paused for a few seconds, purely stunned speechless.

"Are you ever going to give me my panties back?"

Of course I didn't want them back. They just went mysteriously astray in the parking lot and I was wondering if she knew anything about it.

"Night, Alice. See you soon," she pecked me on the lips and bounded to the door.

When I pulled up in the driveway I saw we had a full house. I immediately recognized Renee's white Avalon among the mass of gaudy luxury vehicles. I guess Mom decided to invite her girlfriend over while Daddy caught up with his countless buddies from medical school. They reunited once a month, rotating houses, and I guess tonight it was Daddy's turn to host. He would be inaccessible in the basement until probably midnight.

"Renee!" I threw myself at my best friend's mom the minute I saw her sitting all close to Mom in the kitchen.

They instantly diverged and looked super suspicious, especially Mom. I played it off like I didn't notice. Doesn't bother me—or Daddy! And anyway, Renee has been like a second mom to me since I was, like, five. Nobody cares.

Mom pretended to look at something interesting in the freezer.

"Hey, baby girl! You look cute! Were you on a date?" Renee asked after kissing me on the cheek and fingering the blue freesia in my hair.

_Ohh, yeah_.

"Ah, I was just spending some quality time with a friend from Mom's church. How have you been? Where is Bella?"

"I've been great, sugar. Bella's here. She took off to your room when we got here," she smiled kindly, admiring me for a few seconds. "You are so _beautiful_, Alice. Just like your mother," she busted that line out every once in a blue moon.

"Thank you, Renee. I'm off to make sure your daughter isn't poking her nose where it doesn't belong," I darted out of the kitchen.

I burst through my bedroom door, expecting to find Bella digging through my collection of vibrators and cheesing hard like a kid in a toy store. Instead, she jumped two feet in the air in my bed and screamed bloody murder.

"What the fuck are you doing in my bed?" I barked with mock outrage and lunged at her.

I landed on top of Bella, pinning her down by her arms and straddling her stomach. For just a split second I had completely forgotten that—

"Oh. My. God." Bella froze and her eyes were wide. "Do not _tell_ me those are your bare fucking _ass cheeks_ on my stomach!" She yelled. Her mouth fell open disbelievingly and she looked slightly traumatized.

I let go of her arms and gazed down, eyeing the bare pale skin under her midriff top. I raised an eyebrow before the most conniving smirk played on my lips. Slowly, I started grinding on her.

"No!"

Bella shrieked and thrashed underneath me the minute I made some real contact with her skin.

"Oh, _Bella_!" I shouted erotically, combing my fingers through my hair and biting my lip as I passionately humped at her stomach.

"Rape! Help!"

"Shh," my index finger pressed down on her lips. "Don't speak. Just look into my eyes," I leaned forward and caressed her face.

"Quit fucking around!" Bella sat up and I tumbled backwards, legs high in the air and completely exposed.

She screamed again, horrified.

"Oh my God! Why? _Why_ did you leave your house without any underwear on?"

I rolled off the bed and skipped to my drawer. "I _did _have underwear on. But then Rose stole them," I said grabbing a fresh pair and slipping into them.

"You fucked the pastor's daughter again?" She was all but amused now.

I smirked. "Not exactly—"

"Did somebody scream _rape_?" Emmett barged through looking distraught and my door launched into the wall.

"Too late, Emmett," Bella rolled her eyes. "If this were a real rape case I would've already been deflowered."

Silence followed. Emmett and I cautiously glanced at each other sideways, communicating wordlessly.

"Back from your date, Al? How'd it go?" Emmett outstretched his arms, took a running start and threw himself on my bed, sending Bella soaring several feet into the air.

"It was more eventful than yours, I am _sure_," I scoffed.

Emmett gave me a fierce glare. "I _beg_ to differ! Today we went to that fair that opened up last weekend. We had a blast. Ate smoked turkey legs, funnel cakes, cotton candy, and got on every single ride at least twice. I won _six_ stuffed animals and a necklace for her and she gave me this shirt," he produced a button-up from behind him and held it high for everyone to see.

"Where the—" _fuck_ did that come from?

"Random gift she surprised me with at the end of our date," he shrugged.

My head tilted as I assumed my visual perception was playing some brutal joke on me.

"Well you should slap her. That shit is atrocious!" Bella barked.

No. No, Bella sees it too.

"Are—are those _bubbles_ on the fucking shirt, Emmett?" I squinted at the harsh greens and yellows. The patterns of colors and circles were making me dizzy. "What _are_ those? Cross sectional gobstoppers?"

"That's what I was thinking," Bella nodded.

"Is that—is that a joke?"

Emmett frowned. "She said the shirt made her feel all warm and fuzzy when she saw it…made her smile. Like I make her smile."

"So it is a joke," I affirmed.

"No it's not," he snapped.

"Well," I swallowed, "do you like it?"

Emmett twisted the shirt in his hands and shrugged.

"It's different. I'd wear it on a good day. I'll probably wear it for our next date."

He doesn't like it.

I mentally cringed trying to imagine him in that hideous thing.

"And when is that?"

"Saturday."

"You should let me iron it for you," I feigned the sweetest grin I could. "There are wrinkles all over the place," not really, but…I was known to exaggerate sometimes.

He stared at me, carefully scrutinizing my features for any signs of deception. It wasn't often that I offered to iron his clothes, but I always handed them back unharmed and pressed to a seamless crisp whenever I did.

"I'll ask Mama to do it."

_Shit_. Damn twin thing. Mom would probably try to burn a hole through it too, though. Ah, whatever. I'll get my hands on it before Saturday.

"Okay," I let it go. Protesting would only give him more reason to believe my intentions on destroying the shirt were spot on. "Then get out so I can give Bella a detailed account of my hot and steamy evening with Rosalie. Unless you want t—"

"No thank you," he cleared out at track star speed, shutting the door behind him.

"Alice," Bella crawled to the edge of the bed, slapping her hands heavily on my shoulders and shaking me ferociously. "You have _got_ to do something about that shirt."

"You already know I am not about to let my brother walk around like he had just been spit out of some mysterious time warp from the seventies."

"Does _she_ dress like that?"

"No! Nessie actually wears some really cute non-church clothes, which is why I find this absolutely _confounding_," I tapped my chin.

"You think that maybe it—it's a costume or something? Maybe she's into role playing?" Bella asked with genuine curiosity.

"Could be," I shrugged and sat down beside her.

"Well, do not disappoint! Give me details!"

I happily described our date from beginning to end, specifying thoroughly when necessary. Like the faithful best friend she is, Bella applauded us for a job well done and told me she worshipped the ground I walked on.

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><p><strong>As always, thank you for reading.<strong>


	3. Bowling

**Whoops. I think you guys don't fancy these. Which further proves that Holy Rosalie should have been left as is. Extending one-shots is a risky business. But it was worth a second try.**

**I suppose I will post the second 'episode' thingy since I had tons of fun with it. Then I will save everyone's time and keep the rest of the shenanigans to myself. Not because I am mean (never!) but I do not see the point in updating if I feel that the audience is not enjoying..._and_ since I was hesitant about these crazy additions to begin with. **

**Well actually, I have no idea whether you readers like it or not but it's fair to assume that no feedback = no like. Or meh. Or it could be that it hasn't been long enough. Hm, or maybe something is broken. I'll just wait it out.**

**Well.**

**If you did not know by now, I—to put this in kinder terms, I really dislike Edward. So some unfortunate things may or may not happen to him in this episode. I suppose it all depends on how you look at it. If it helps any, no Edwards were harmed in the making of this installment.**

**Different episode, same damn disclaimers: I am not SM. Some lighthearted bashing of Bible/Jesus/God. OOC. Always and forever horny and shameless characters.**

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><p><strong>ALICE<strong>

The rest of the week was same old. There was shit I had to do that I did not want to, like go to school, do homework, take tests, and play in my last high school lacrosse game ever. That was a bittersweet moment. Now I am just counting down the days until graduation and as of today, we have got just four weeks left. The last day of school _and _my eighteenth birthday are in three weeks. I am overjoyed.

Rosalie and I naturally kept in touch, sending texts back and forth multiple times a day and chatting on the phone at night. Wednesday night I begged her to let me come over and sneak in through her window but her conscience gave her a beating and won. However, she didn't seem opposed to me pulling up down the street and meeting me in my car at one o' clock in the morning. That plan backfired before I could even switch gears to reverse when my car's alarm set off unexpectedly, bringing Daddy, Mom, Emmett, and the neighbors out to investigate. I do not even know what happened. Daddy had to call somebody to come sever the wires because it would not turn off. Mom gave me the side eye when I explained that I was simply trying to retrieve my calculus textbook from the backseat and Emmett laughed at me for two days.

We decided on another date for Saturday when Rosalie got the okay from her parents. I wanted her to sleep over, but Saturday nights were problematic since they wanted her at church the following Sunday morning. She had slept over once before, and Mom had taken her along to church the next morning. I was pissed when Mom came in and ripped her away from me. We had actually spent the entire night just talking and giggling like a couple of girls and cuddled in the bed. Okay fine, we did do some light fondling and kissing but our clothes stayed on.

There were no specific plans and when Saturday rolled around I assumed we were just going to play it by ear, but my stupid ass car had plans of its own.

"DADDY!" I bellowed, erupting through the front door. "Fuck my life," I growled a few decibels lower but I was still yelling.

"Alice Cullen, what has got you cursing like that?" Mom showed up from the kitchen.

"That _car_ is a piece of shit," I pointed behind me towards the door. "Luxury vehicle my white ass, that little bitch is fucking defective."

Mom blinked several times as she inhaled sharply and scratched the top right corner of her head. Her nostrils even flared a little bit.

"Who is defective?" Daddy appeared at the top of the massive staircase with a wide smile.

I waited patiently as he sauntered down the stairs.

"That damn Lexus. Something is wrong with it. This is the third time in a month. I think I am going to trade it in for that Porsche I originally wanted," I frowned.

"ALICE!" Emmett's booming, deep voice resounded from upstairs.

I could have sworn the whole house shook as extreme, heavy footfalls pounded above us. It sounded a lot like Emmett and his whole damn football team rather than just Emmett alone. Wide-eyed, I gazed towards Daddy and Mom. Mom's expression mirrored mine and Daddy held a neutral countenance as he blinked casually and his focus wandered lazily at our surroundings.

"Al, you little troll! What did you do with my shirt?" Emmett fumed, trampling down the stairs. His hands were balled up into fists and his face was a little red.

He looked sort of pissed.

"I lit it on fire. Daddy, my date is tonight and I have no functional vehicle. This is a problem."

"Date? I thought you were just…hanging out with…Rosalie," Mom's words were slow and far in between as the realization struck her. "Oh, _Alice_—"

"_You lit my shirt on fire_?" Emmett seemed surprised. Like he didn't know whether he should be angry or relieved about the recent news.

"Not the _pastor's_ daughter," Mom groaned and mumbled to herself as she anxiously paced the spacious foyer.

"Daddy? What should I do? Can I use the Mercedes?"

"What am I supposed to say when Nessie asks about the shirt?" Emmett whined childishly.

"Hopefully you just get dumped. She is trying to make a fool out of you," I put in plain words.

"The evening get-togethers. The sleepovers. Late night phone calls. How could I have been so naïve?" Mom rambled, picking at her cuticles.

"Look, Daddy, I know the Mercedes is your baby and everything. I'll be super careful. I promise," though, I cannot promise there won't be a repeat of Monday night's date.

Mom suddenly gasped out loud. "That day at church…" her hands flew over her gaping mouth.

"But everything is going so well with us. She let me get to second base on our last date," Emmett reasoned. "By this time next month we should be—"

"The redhead? Doesn't her grandfather preach at the church sometimes? Franklin Wolf, right?" Daddy asked curiously. "I met him. Nice old man."

"Yeah and Mr. Wolf is actually her daddy, not her grandpa," I corrected.

"Oh."

"These children of mine," Mom's face was an interesting shade of green. "Alice, please tell me you didn't. Not in the _church_!" Her voice had a shrill edge of hysteria.

"Mom, really, why are you even wasting your time with those people? _Nobody_ there is what they seem. Not even the precious Pastor Hale. He and his wife watch late night porn together," I revealed confidently.

"The pastor's daughter, really, Alice? Why, that is impressive," Daddy nodded appreciatively.

"_Carlisle_," Mom hissed at Daddy.

"Now do you understand why I so urgently need a vehicle tonight?"

"I am sorry, cupcake. I need to drive up to the hospital for surgery. But Emmett will be your chauffer," Daddy nodded. "We will get your Lexus situation squared away first thing tomorrow."

Emmett's face twisted into some sort of horrified, sour expression.

"_Excuse_ me? I've got my own date tonight!"

"Perfect. It will be a double date, then," Daddy gave Emmett a manly slap on the shoulder.

"Yeah, that is _real_ sexy. Showing up at my girlfriend's house to pick her up for a romantic date in a monstrous Jeep fucking Wrangler with my brother."

"Keep talking shit about my car," Emmett threatened. "That's why yours is fucked up."

"Well, family, I am off to work. Enjoy your double date, kiddos. I love you guys," Daddy kissed my forehead, kissed Mom on the lips and walked out of the door.

"Did you _really_ light the shirt on fire, Al?"

Asking to borrow Mom's car would have been a waste of time. She barely lets us _ride_ in it with her. When she bought the thing brand new three months ago she said her days of driving her snotty, filthy children around were over.

I decided to look at the bright side of the recent circumstances. I've only had about two short conversations with Nessie since I have met her, and I was looking forward to getting to know her better. Perhaps I will find a roundabout way to ask what the fuck possessed her to buy that painful-on-the-eyes shirt for Emmett. Speaking of that shirt, I didn't burn it. Though the idea was tempting, it would have been a little extreme, even for me. I snuck into Emmett's room last night while he was in the shower and simply hid it deep in my walk-in closet. He was dead serious about sporting it today and I just could not—_would not_ let that happen.

I still wasn't particularly thrilled about going on a double date with my damn brother, but the thought was tolerable.

Then the shit hit the fan again.

Rosalie called me about an hour before we were scheduled to pick her up and reluctantly told me her parents would've absolutely loved it if we let Edward tag along. Why they thought that was a brilliant idea was beyond me. I could only assume this was God's plan. Either that or Mr. and Mrs. Hale saw the opportunity to get both kids out of the house so they could do unspeakable things and took full advantage. Before I could bombard my brain with possible awkward scenarios, a light flicked on above my head.

"Bella!"

I called her immediately and hoped to the high clouds above us that she was available.

"Yeah?" She answered groggily after about the fifth ring.

"Isabella Swan! I have an emergency and I desperately need you!" I shouted frantically into the receiver.

"What—Jacob, get off of me," I heard some shuffling and grunts and a few seconds later Bella was back on the line. "What's the matter, Alice?" She asked calmly.

"May-fucking-day. I need you ready in forty minutes. Spontaneous triple date."

"Is he cute?"

"Yes. Yes, he is."

"Okay," she yawned.

"I love you to the moon and back! Bye!"

That was so incredibly easy.

Then again, so is she.

I really do hope Edward is not a prude. Bella doesn't exactly like to wear a lot of clothes, and her thoughts, language, and demeanor are equally as vulgar as mine. I will warn her that he's the pastor's kid and everything, but I already know that it won't stop her from saying what's on her mind around him.

I finished showering and getting ready just in time for Emmett's grumpy ass to start nagging. I cheerfully expressed my approval of his black, slightly snug button down shirt and we were out the door.

Bella's house was the first stop, and she was already waiting outside on the porch in Jacob Black's lap. Jacob was her main fuck buddy, but you could find up to three different random boys in Bella's bed in any given week—sometimes separately, sometimes all at once. Renee is a nurse and her dad Charlie is the chief of police. They both work a lot of late night shifts, giving Bella the freedom to invite whoever she wants. And if one or both parents happen to be home, she always finds a way to get her daily dose of dick. I applaud and support her determination unconditionally.

Next stop was Rosalie's house. I made Emmett and Bella get out with me because I was sure Pastor Hale would be eyeing the deeply tinted windows of the Jeep in search for some foreigner who could potentially put his precious gifts from God in danger. Bella's useless skirt was unpresentable, and I was fortunate to find a pair of Emmett's sweatpants in the back for her to throw on as a temporary disguise. They were four sizes too big and too long. She looked absolutely ridiculous, but I decided it was not too far off from what the girls at the church wear.

As soon as we stepped out of the car, the entire Hale family appeared on the porch steps.

"That's him?" Bella leaned sideways to look behind me and gasped out loud. "Oh, _hell_ no! Alice—"

"You—you owe me! Do you _remember_ that date you set me up on with Jasper Mother Fucking Whitlock and the emotional damage that shit inflicted on—"

"Okay! Alice! Damn! Breathe!" Bella gripped my shoulders, violently shaking me. "If you would have just let me finish," her voice went up a couple more octaves. "At _least_ you got a good fuck out of it with Jasper. This Edward kid looks like he wouldn't know what to do with a pussy if it was shoved in his face," this sincerely distressed her.

"Oh, honey. I know. I am sorry," I concurred wholeheartedly and rubbed her back sympathetically. "Let's go."

Bella did a fabulous job at playing sweet and innocent for Mr. and Mrs. Hale and they happily sent us on our way. Cursing, she ripped out of the sweatpants once we got back in the car and carelessly exposed what appeared to be a blue thong under her short skirt to Rosalie, Edward, and me. Edward immediately turned the opposite direction and Rosalie stared shamelessly. The four of us in the backseat were crowded and uncomfortable, sitting literally hip-to-hip and I eventually ended up in Rosalie's lap, with Bella in the middle. Edward leaned against and clung to the door, looking utterly petrified as Bella consciously rubbed her mostly-bare thigh against his.

When we pulled into Nessie's driveway she all but burst out the front door of her house and bolted to the car. Everyone was silent as she stretched across the cab and kissed Emmett on the lips.

"You look handsome today, Mr. Bear," she grinned from ear to ear and trailed a finger down his arm.

"_Renesmee_?" Rosalie squinted.

Nessie's head whipped towards the back and she screamed when she saw four pairs of eyes staring back at her.

"Oh my God! Rosalie! Please don't tell my dad," she panicked.

"No, I just—I didn't know you were seeing Emmett," Rosalie squeezed my thighs indignantly. I'd forgotten to share that little detail with her.

"Hi. I'm Bella. Alice's best friend," Bella spoke after a few seconds of silence.

"What—what are you all doing here?" Nessie asked out of breath.

"You didn't tell her, Emmett?" I asked.

"This has turned into a last minute group gathering, thanks to Alice's car," Emmett explained.

"Oh," she breathed.

"So—where exactly _are_ we going?" I realized we still had no plan.

"I hope you all like bowling!" Emmett hollered.

I made sure to walk slowly and let the others stroll ahead as we crossed the parking lot to the bowling alley. There were a few people outside but I paid them no regard as I pushed Rosalie against the brick wall of the building and kissed her purposefully after the door shut behind Edward. She laughed and pulled away when a distant male voice cheered something unintelligible.

"I've missed you," I pecked her lips one more time. "Don't tell me we have to play secret lovers around your brother," that dress she was wearing was going to make it very difficult to keep my hands off of her.

Judging by Nessie's reaction earlier, I was positive we didn't have to worry about her telling anybody anything.

"We should," she breathed, grabbing the front of my dress and pulling me closer. "But that'd be impractical," she also seemed to be having trouble keeping her hands to herself.

"He won't run home and tell Mommy and Daddy?" I pouted, reaching for her waist.

"_Please_. He wouldn't even be able articulate the words required to reveal that information," she traced my jaw with the back of her index finger.

"So Bella's supposition was true, then," I thought out loud.

"What?"

"She has no chance in hell, does she?"

The door of the bowling alley flew open and Bella popped out. The confused creases in her forehead smoothed out once she spotted us leaning against the wall together at an intimate proximity.

"Oh," she smirked. "Excuse me. Quick question—Rosalie, what's your shoe size?"

"What's it to you?" I hissed with mock offense and drew Rosalie even closer to me in a protective stance.

Bella rolled her eyes.

"Heads up. Emmett invited a few people from school. They're already inside."

"Anybody I dislike?"

Bella just quirked an eyebrow at me, smiled knowingly and turned back inside. Sighing, I led Rosalie into the bowling alley. It only made sense that the first person I made eye contact with among the crowd of familiar faces was Jasper. Jasper Whitlock, the junior Bella set me up on a blind date with last semester. Emmett _would_ invite him to this already awkward group assemblage. He has no idea what happened between us five months ago and if he did, I am pretty certain he would _not_ have invited him here today.

Things aren't even weird between Jasper and me now for some unfathomable but favorable reason. I swear when we saw each other that following week at school it was like nothing had ever happened—or that what _had_ happened was nothing to feel weird about. We see each other every day at school and even have casual conversations whenever the opportunity presents itself.

But, the fact of the matter is that it still happened and there will always be that tacit awkwardness in the air.

I thought about dipping and dodging out of there and taking Rosalie to the skating rink down the block but Bella's big ass mouth drew everyone else's eyes on me.

"Alice! Rosalie! Come get your shoes!" Her arms flailed in the air over at the front counter.

Rosalie, Bella, Edward and I ended up in the lane between Jasper and Emmett. Jasper greeted me casually, and I casually introduced him to Rosalie and Edward. Emmett was completely absorbed in the game, jumping at any opportunity to spoon and have his arms around Nessie as he showed her how to properly roll the ball down the lane.

"OH, LORD!" Bella screamed dramatically just as I was about to release the ball, throwing me all off balance and resulting in a gutter ball.

"Fuck you!" I shouted with mock rage.

Edward gasped behind me. I turned and his green eyes were wide with shock.

"Edward, I don't mean to offend, but would you like it if Bella showed you how to play? She's very good with the balls and pins," I insinuated informally. "She could teach you a thing or two," I highly doubted he was able to catch the sexual undertone in my suggestion.

Then again, I shouldn't underestimate anyone's intelligence.

"I shall give you a demonstration," Bella skipped to the bowling ball rack. "So you finger the holes. Push into them hard, Edward. You know, so the ball won't slip," slowly, she bent over to pick up a bowling ball. "I usually like to touch and caress the ball. It's a little technique I came up with to promote proper—ah, what's the word…"

"Stimulation," I supplied.

"Stimulation," she caressed and massaged the ball, gazing at Edward. "Bring it close to you. Do _not_ overlook the balls. They're important," she drew the ball against her chest. "Then you bend over. I like to do it slowly. I—I think it'd be best if you came here, Edward. This part is a little harder to explain."

"You two are so _bad_," Rosalie came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and kissing my temple.

"Somebody had to take the initiative. It got him moving, didn't it?" I waved towards them, and Bella was already scooting her ass up against Edward's groin.

"Okay," Rosalie snapped her head in the opposite direction. "Nessie! Hey, how's it going over here?" She took my hand and dragged me over to where Nessie sat, pulling me down into her lap after she plopped down on a chair beside her.

"Emmett is whooping my butt," she informed miserably.

I decided I wanted to test out Nessie's reflexes and casually tossed my arm over Rosalie's shoulder. Nothing.

"Ah, well, it's just a game," Rosalie reasoned.

I pretended to fiddle with Rosalie's necklace. My fingers played with the silver charm and my palms gently but conspicuously pressed against her boobs. Nessie's gaze lingered on my hands, but her expression remained the same.

"Oh, I know. But we made a bet. Whoever loses has to smell the other's feet."

I hopped off of Rosalie for a second and turned to face her. She arched an eyebrow at me and I sat back down, straddling her this time. Nessie watched, the contours of her features still relaxed and unconcerned.

"That was his idea, right?"

My hands linked around her neck and I kissed her on the cheek, very close to the corner of her mouth.

"Yes it was," Nessie laughed.

Finally I just kissed her on the lips. Twice. Nessie just smiled.

"You could always _pretend_ to sniff," Rosalie suggested.

"No, he said the loser had to put their nose directly on the winner's foot and inhale sharply."

"Oh."

We ordered pizza and laughed and goofed around for the next hour. Rosalie challenged Emmett and me to a duel and told us she would announce the prize for the winner at the end. I was so caught up in the game that I failed to notice Bella and Edward sneaking away to the men's bathroom. It wasn't until they emerged—Edward looking stiff and deeply distressed—that I realized I'd last seen them about a good twenty minutes ago. Bella's face was unreadable, but she seemed to be unperturbed. This happened seconds after the duel was over and Emmett and I had finished even. Rosalie suggested overtime and I accepted, then ran off to pull Bella aside.

"What just happened?"

"I sucked and wanked him in the bathroom stall and after he jizzed all over my skirt he cried and begged for the Lord's forgiveness. Worst date ever," her eyebrows drew together.

As soon as she said that I noticed the front of her black skirt was wet.

"That's too bad."

After Emmett and I played three overtime games in a row and _still_ ended up with a tie, Rosalie cancelled the match. She confessed that she didn't even have prizes for us, and that it all worked out anyway since nobody won. Then, surreptitiously, she whispered in my ear and told me she'd give me my award later tonight at my house. She had decided she was going to pack her things and come with us when it was time to drop Edward back off at home.

I silently praised Jesus.

A little while later, Jasper stopped by to chat. It was fine, until Bella showed up and decided she wanted to fuck with us and started hinting at shit from the past. After a few minutes Jasper excused himself. His face was bright red and Rosalie caught on, asking what that was all about. I figured it would be best to share the story somewhere private and the three of us drifted to the restroom.

"Goddamn it, Bella. You said you were never going to bring it up again," I hissed.

"I am sorry but he pissed me off earlier. He said my aim was—"

"Whatever, whatever," my hands waved wildly in the air and I took a deep breath. "So last November Bella set me up on a blind date with a guy. She was annoyed that I called myself bi but still hadn't dated or been with any boys. I mean I was totally fine with it. I was sort of dating this girl named Angela but we were mostly just fucking. It was great. She was my first. At the same time I was a little curious about being with a boy so I agreed to the stupid blind date. I had seen Jasper around school and thought he was cute so I was pleased when I finally met up with him…but then shit got strange," I grimaced.

"What happened?" Rosalie demanded, utterly captivated.

"Okay well first of all the weirdo wouldn't stop staring into my eyes. Like that was all he did throughout the entire date. It was awkward and it made me uncomfortable. He was also saying some _strange_ shit about supposedly being able to sense my emotions, and that he felt some kind of strong, emotional connection with me. Then we got to his house—I know you're probably wondering why the fuck I did that. I—I really do not have an answer for that. Anyways, he left me alone in his room for a long ass time. When he finally decided to come back he was in cowboy apparel from head to toe. Hat, boots, tight jeans, plaid shirt, bandana around the neck, you know—the whole nine yards. He even had a fucking _whip_! I was ready to make a mad dash but then I was distracted and mesmerized as soon as I saw the defined and rather large bulge in the crotch of his wrangler jeans. I snatched the whip from him and demanded he take his pants off. Then we had sex. On his dresser. It was the first and only time I'd ever had sex with a boy and he _sure_ as hell did not disappoint but that still doesn't change the fact that the whole fucking thing was an awkward mess."

"You—you forgot to add that he requested you ride his pony all night long and said he wanted to discharge his little swimmers all up in you at maximum force and make pretty babies with you. Didn't he sing that _Pony_ song by Ginuwine, too?" Bella supplemented.

"Yes, thank you, Bella, for putting it so eloquently."

"Well, did you…" Rosalie's words trailed off.

"Did I what?"

"_Ride his pony_?" She whispered melodramatically.

I quirked an eyebrow.

"If you'd like, we can recreate the entire scene with the nine-inch strap-on I ordered online. It should be here by Monday."

Somebody in a nearby stall gasped out loud and giggled. Damn I thought nobody else was in here.

"Anyhow, Jasper and I have managed to remain civilized with each other through it all, which is good I guess. We should head out before the boys start thinking we've initiated an orgy up in here," I beamed confidently at myself in the mirror.

"Alice that was quite a story," Nessie materialized from the very last stall.

"Ah, shit. Don't say anything about this to Emmett. He'd probably decapitate Jasper with his bare hands."

"Well we wouldn't want that," she giggled as she washed her hands.

"Did you sniff his foot yet?" I asked.

"No," she frowned. "I'm nervous about that."

"You could always distract him and show him your boobs," I shrugged.

Nessie's face immediately flushed a bright red and she smiled diffidently.

"I don't know," she vacillated.

"They're just boobs—"

"Alice, leave the girl alone. Come on," Rosalie spun me around and pushed me towards the door.

When it was finally time to wrap things up and go home, Bella had decided she was going to ride with Mike Newton. I noticed they had been eye fucking each other and she also said she didn't want the ride back with Edward to be awkward. He was still a rigid and afflicted mess when we all loaded into the Jeep, and the middle seat Bella once occupied remained vacant as I snuggled in the comfort of Rosalie's lap again. He faced the window the entire time, oblivious to us kissing and touching less than two feet away.

I asked Emmett to stop at their house first, just to evade prolonging the dreadful unspoken discomfort emanating from Edward. Rosalie did not seem to notice or care about her brother's troubled state. To be honest, he did not look much different than he always does, but maybe I was able to notice the subtle differences after Bella informed me about the incident in the bathroom. I just hope he doesn't open his mouth. He does seem too traumatized to say anything, though.

I went inside the house to help Rosalie pack and tell her parents how exited I was to have her over again so we could watch movies and paint each other's toenails. I also wanted to give Emmett and Nessie a few minutes of alone time so they could touch, kiss, sniff each other's feet, whatever.

Now that Rosalie and I had room in the backseat to comfortably sit beside each other, my hand was already sneaking up her dress before we even pulled out of her driveway. She gasped, clamping her thighs together and grabbed my wrist to stop me from going any further. It was dark as hell back here and Emmett had the music loud enough to drown out quiet voices.

I traced a wet line up the length of her neck to the edge of her jaw with my tongue. She sighed, and the tight grip she once had around my wrist was no more. Her clenched thighs relaxed and I proceeded between her legs, just barely grazing her over her panties.

"Stop," she whimpered and tried to push my hand away with feeble effort.

I complied, removing my hand and opting to kiss her instead. By the time we made it to Nessie's house Rosalie had pulled me back into her lap. I guess she figured making out would be more convenient that way.

Emmett and Nessie disappeared behind some trees by the side of her house for a few minutes before he walked her to the front door. I suppose the sixteen minutes of privacy we gave them earlier were not enough. Her daddy met her at the door and he and Emmett chatted and laughed for a few minutes. Nessie gave him a hug and they parted ways.

"I was under the impression that her daddy didn't know you existed," I mused.

"Nah, he knows me and he likes me too. He remembers meeting Dad."

"Then why was she freaking out earlier?"

"He thinks we're just friends, duh."

"I mean if he likes you, shouldn't it not bother him that you're planning to deflower her?"

"_What—_Al, are you _listening_ to yourself?"

Seems like the preacher should know better than that. But maybe he's old school. He's got to be at least sixty-two years old, which is strange because Nessie's mom looks like she's in her early or mid-thirties. Not that I find huge age gaps unusual, but for a preacher it just seems…_improper_. But I digress.

When we got home Renee's car was outside but all the lights in the house were off. They couldn't have been sleeping. It was only ten o' clock.

Emmett spun around looking confused for a second as he pointed towards the ceiling with his thumb.

"Did—is Mama up there with—"

"Yep," I answered with confidence.

"Hmm," Emmett shrugged and took off up the stairs towards his bedroom.

Daddy must have called and said he was coming in late tonight. Either that or he is going to find a lovely surprise when he gets home. Shit, he probably already knows.

I took Rosalie's hand and led her up the stairs to my bedroom. We silently passed the guest bedroom and I could hear light slow jams coming from the other side of the door. I even caught a whiff of scented oil—lavender, I think.

"So, what would you like to do now?" I insinuated with a smirk as I locked the door.

"Let's play a movie," she dropped her duffel bag down by my bed.

I paid careful attention to her use of the word _'play'_ instead of _'watch'_ and happily skipped to the shelf and grabbed a random movie—_Love and Other Drugs_—and popped it into the DVD drive. I set everything up and when I turned around I found Rosalie sitting cross-legged on the floor across the room. Her back was against the wall and she was flashing me a knowing grin. She must've remembered that I once told her I thought sex on a bed was boring and cliché. I darted to cut the lights and joined her on the floor.

"Uh-uh, Alice," she disapproved of the small distance between us. "In my lap," she patted her thighs.

With a wordless smile, I eased into her lap. My knees bent at a wide angle as I planted my feet on the floor. I sighed as my back nestled comfortably into her soft breasts.

"I really like having you in my lap Alice," Rosalie's smooth, lust-laden voice vibrated melodiously in my ear. "You are the perfect size for it, too," her hands crept down my stomach.

Her head turned, encouraging me to look at her. As soon I turned my head to face her she kissed me gently. I was nothing but putty under her skilled lips. She moved her hands up my stomach slowly and tentatively, at the same time inadvertently tickling the skin under the fabric of my dress. I sighed into her mouth when her hands finally cupped my breasts. She squeezed and pressed against them a few times before her thumbs hooked under the top edge of my strapless dress. She pushed it down, freeing my breasts and taking them in her soft hands again. Her fingers pinched and twisted my rigid nipples as her tongue slipped into my mouth.

Goosebumps sprouted as her hands slowly glided down my sides and thighs, pausing at my knees. She pushed them apart and guided my legs around her own. My ankles pressed against her sharply angled knees, leaving me spread open for her.

Rosalie folded my dress out of the way and dipped her hand in my panties in one swift motion, both of us moaning once her fingers made direct contact with my wet pussy. Our kisses deepened as her hand slid and slipped diligently in my underwear, alternating skillfully between finger fucking me and massaging my clit and sometimes doing both simultaneously. Her strokes and thrusts were gentle, assiduous, and driving me absolutely insane.

Soon I was unable to kiss her anymore. I tipped my head against her shoulder and her lips, tongue, and teeth lunged freely at my neck. Nothing could keep my eyes open.

Not even Anne Hathaway.

When my frequent moans and rocking hips intensified, Rosalie's busy hand worked faster and she told me how much she desperately wished I would come in her lap.

Two seconds later her wish was granted.

"No thanking Jesus this time?"

She lowered me to the floor and lounged beside me, draping her arm across my stomach.

No. Thank _you_. Goddamn it.

"Tell me, _Rosalie_—if that's even your real name," I scowled. "How are you so good at this? Have you done this before? And I _don't_ mean with yourself."

"That has just been eating at you, hasn't it?" She asked with a humored smile. "I've never had any friends outside of the church, Alice. Since I'm the pastor's daughter the other kids are extra careful about what they say and do around me. That shit irritates me to no end. All of them are huge freaks but they wouldn't dare involve the pastor's kids in their lusty escapades. Even if I did decide to invite myself that mess would get around to my parents so fast—ugh, church people and their gossip," she gagged silently. "So to answer your question, no I've never done this with anyone else before. My parents are never going to give us a realistic talk about sex, which is retarded, but—I've been pleasuring myself since I was, like, four. I guess I figured it out all by myself. And sometimes I get lucky with the parental controls but…most of it is instinct, I guess. Like you said, I am only human after all."

"What a clever kid you were. I didn't discover my feel-good regions until middle school. Matter of fact, Bella was the one who gave me a tutorial at a sleepover in seventh grade," I sighed at the memory. "So then outsider Alice shows up and you let her eat your pussy."

"I thought you were cute," she smirked. "And you sure as hell didn't have a problem with kissing the pastor's daughter. Your boldness turned me on," she lazily traced circles around my nipple.

"And that shit you said about us disrespecting the Lord?" I've been increasingly curious about that as well.

"I was just checking to see if you had a conscience…about fucking in a church, I mean."

"You are fucking spectacular."

I tried to pounce, but Rosalie was all about me again that night. It was fun but I missed having my face between her legs.


	4. Happy Birthday

**First and foremost, thank you for the kind reviews. I guess that means you guys want me to keep posting.**

**Second, I know I may have made Jasper come off as some awkward freak last time, but that's not the case. I love Jasper. I explained this to the friend before I shared this part with her and basically…Jasper is super sweet and laid back and stuff but he was nervous on his date with Alice because I mean…let's be real here. She is freaking gorgeous and he has a huge crush on her. It's enough to make anyone a little nervous. He's also a tad bit shy. So shy + nervous + being on an unexpected blind date with your crush = guaranteed awkward shit. It happens. He didn't mean it. But Alice understands.**

**I'm not a big fan of writing about mushy shit (I do enjoy reading it though) but things get mushy towards the end here. I know there hasn't been much character/relationship development for all this mushy stuff to be happening already but...psh. Shrug. I was influenced.**

**I had to have Rosalie live up to the **_**Holy Rosalie**_** title here soo…just a fair warning for those who are only fans of girl-on-girl/monogamy: well, let's just say a third party with a penis may come into the picture. Definitely not in this part, but sometime in the future.**

**There's not much bashing of anything here. I didn't want it to get annoying. But I'm still not Stephenie and these people still act out of character. And they still like to have sex.**

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><p><strong>ALICE<strong>

The last three weeks of school zoomed by. After that incident with Jasper and Bella at the bowling alley I was worried I'd have to deal with unwanted tension around Jasper for the last three weeks of my high school career but, thankfully, everything was the same. He actually came and sat next to me in our political science class that following Monday and after chatting casually with me for five minutes he apologized for everything. It shocked the hell out of me. First of all, it was the first time he had ever brought it up and, second, the sincerity in his apology made me feel uncharacteristically mushy inside. Not that I had anything against him in the first place, but I wholeheartedly accepted his apology and even told him I had no regrets.

I wasn't lying either.

Throughout the course of those last three weeks I actually got to know him. It kind of pissed me off, because I _would _meet a sweet and charming gentleman at my school right before I have to leave it for good. I concluded that he was just a freak in the sheets. If I were not semi committed to Rosalie I'd have pounced on him again—I'd have given him the ride of his life before I took off for college and never saw him again.

Shit.

It was all lust, though. The thought of my girlfriend still made me giddier than a kid on Christmas morning—in more places than just my panties.

Speaking of my girlfriend, her graduation was yesterday and the church held a little ceremony for her, Edward, and a few other graduating home schooled kids. It was the first time I had stepped foot in there since the last time—which was about seven weeks ago. The ceremony was cute, but once they started busting out shit about God and his ever so reliable plans I changed my mind.

Damn bullshit.

Now with school out of the way I'm excited to spend a lot more time with my baby. She is currently out with her parents taking care of some final home schooling shit that I didn't care to understand, but they promised to drop her off when it was all over.

Daddy and Mom conveniently made plans for the whole day, so they would be gone until at least midnight.

Very convenient indeed because today is my birthday—and Emmett's.

Six years ago the both of us decided birthdays were retarded and celebrations were even more retarded. I am thrilled to finally be eighteen, but it's still just another day for me. Emmett and I are going to have some friends over today but we firmly advised everyone to skip the cheesy birthday wishes and gift giving and just enjoy the day with us.

That is why Daddy and Mom are gone. They have been surprisingly supportive towards our wishes to ignore our birthday—_especially_ Mom.

Daddy had always been a little reluctant about totally disregarding the anniversary of the birth of his favorite child in the world. Even though I told him he had 364 other days out of the year to shower me with gifts he always managed to sneak something into my room.

Emmett too, of course.

Speaking of Emmett, here he is now. He has been following me around all morning and irritating the shit out of me, jumping at every opportunity to shove his bruised neck in my face. He is just silently begging me to ask about it. I've been doing a fabulous job of completely ignoring him, however, and I have gone as far as avoiding his head and neck area altogether just to infuriate him even more. I know impatience will eventually win over his pitiful attempt to draw my attention and he'll let it slip.

Then I will tell him '_I win._'

Again.

But fuck if the bighead did not dive and come sliding across the island like a fucking wild animal, taking my bowl of fresh, diced pineapple with him. He sat up and scooted sideways, his neck once again ending up in a convenient distance from my face.

"Emmett you can stop putting your neck on fucking display. I see the mark. Since you're twisting my arm and being an absolute pain in my ass, I will give you the satisfaction of asking who left it there," I gave him my undivided attention.

"Aren't you going to ask how it happened?"

"I will get to that part once you tell me who did it."

"Very funny Al," he said dryly.

"I am serious," I held a straight face.

"Who am I seeing right now?"

"Well Nessie's the only one I know about, but—"

"But _what_?" He snapped.

"But Nessie would never do that—and, you know, you are a _huge_ asshole for that because, unlike all of your old skanky ass girlfriends, I actually like Nessie. I don't know if you've noticed but she is, like, almost in love with you or something. I thought you were too. I might just tell her about it so she can dump your unfaithful ass and join Rose and me. We would be _the perfect_ trio. Anyways, who was it? You're the one who wanted me to know so damn badly. Onward already."

"What brings you to that conclusion?" He held my bowl high above his head once I tried to snatch it back.

"Because you're fucking some nasty whore when you've got a clean, virginal girlfriend for once! Dumb ass!" I shouted.

I wanted to slap him to the floor.

"I mean _why_ do you assume Nessie would never do this," he gesticulated towards the obvious discoloration on his neck.

I cocked an eyebrow.

"Because _that_," I pointed, "indicates that you did some shit."

"Your point is?"

"Nessie doesn't do shit. You have been stuck on second base for about a month. Now you go and fuck it up. What is wrong with you? Is it so hard to wait?"

"You're one to talk," he growled.

"Look are you going to tell me or not? Because if you're not then give me my pineapple and get the fuck out of my face. You're wasting my time."

"What crawled up your ass and died?" He scowled. "You can stop playing dumb. I know you know it was Nessie. Aren't you proud?"

"_Nessie did that_?" My mouth hung open.

"Oh come the fuck on, Al! You're kidding, right?" Emmett yelled.

Now I could not take my eyes off the thing.

"I do not believe this," he muttered.

I gasped.

"Did you guys finally—"

"Third base," he announced proudly.

I frowned.

"_Third base_? That shit is misleading! What the fuck were you doing to her when she left _that_ mark?"

I had barely paid attention to it before, but now that I'm taking a closer look—_goddamn, Nessie_!

"I was rubbing her p—"

"Shut up!"

"Then I ate it," he added quickly.

"This is the longest you have ever waited for _anybody_, Emmett. I—frankly, I am a bit concerned," shit just got serious. "The whole point of getting with Nessie was to get some pussy, remember?" I shouted.

Emmett glared.

"_No_. Well yes. At first. I—really like her," he admitted.

"Shit, you even skipped the bases altogether and went straight to home with all those other girls—"

"Stop making me sound like a man-slut. It was only four of them. And they were my girlfriends, not just random fucks. _Gosh_, Al," he looked offended.

"Okay but my point is—"

"Do you need me to get into the details about how I keep everything under control with that school picture she gave me—"

"Be _quiet_, goddamn it."

"Besides, what she did last night should keep me happy for a good two…days," he smirked.

"We are not talking about this anymore. You're letting her sniff your fucking feet, you're wearing crazy, ugly ass clothes she buys for you and settling for hand jobs and jacking off to a goddamn picture—I need a moment of contemplation," I walked away.

While Emmett was out picking up friends for our non-birthday get-together, I stayed home to shower and raid the fridge. I decided to be nice and fix up a big ass platter of cookies, crackers, cheese, and other snacks for when Emmett comes back with his football team of massive boys.

I had just finished stuffing a handful of chocolate chips into my mouth when Emmett called me.

_The fuck does he want?_

"What!" I tried to shout but the chocolate muffled the sound.

"Al, do me a favor. Pick up Nessie for me. My car is packed and somebody keeps farting! UGH! That shit stinks man! Smells like shit chopped and blended into puree mixed with ass and shit!" Emmett yelled.

I stopped chewing.

"You say something? Can you do that for me?" His voice was loud, shouting over all the chaos in his car.

"Yes."

"What?"

"Yes!"

"WHAT?"

"GAH!"

"_Gah_? What the hell is that supposed to mean? This is a yes or no question, Al."

"I. Said. Yes." I growled firmly.

"That is _not_ what you said. You said '_gahhh,_'" he breathed heavily into the receiver.

"Okay but before that I said yes."

"What'd you say?"

"Emmett! Oh my g—shut your fucking mouth!"

"Look I am not the one making up words and shit. Are you going to get Nessie or not?"

"I am going to say this to you one last time," I stated calmly.

"Okay, go."

"Yes, Emmett. I will pick her up."

Silence.

Well, silence from Emmett. I could still hear the boys yelling and farting in the background.

"Hello?" Emmett finally spoke.

I blinked.

"Al? You there?"

"Bye, Emmett."

"Wait a minute! You didn't even say anything!"

"How the fuck can you only hear shit that's not important but when I try to tell your ass that YES, YES, YES I will pick Nessie up all of a sudden you can't hear me?" I erupted.

"Wait, what?"

I hung up.

After giving myself a few seconds I picked up my phone again and sent Emmett a text with a big fat '_**YES**_' in all capital letters.

_Yes? Yes what?_

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shouted.

_**YES I WILL FUCKING PICK UP RUHNEZZMAIYE**_**!**

_It's Renesmee_.

_**WHAT THE FUCK EVER**_**.**

_Ok. Damn. That is all you had to say in the first place. Thanks_.

It took all I had to not scream at the top of my lungs.

Life is too short for this shit.

When I made it to Nessie's house I sent her a text to let her know I was outside. She came out, skipping cheerfully towards my car with two medium-sized gift bags and balloons in her hands. That did not distract me for too long before I noticed the light blue dress she was wearing. It was snug around her full breasts and she had a thin dark blue belt around her waist. I almost gasped out loud at the very subtle—and fucking freckled cleavage she was showing off. I wanted to stick my finger in it. And wiggle it around some. Her thick red curls were hanging loose over her shoulders and down her back. She just looked fucking sexy.

Emmett's a lucky bastard—whether he is pounding her or not.

I was prepared to protest as soon as she opened the door, but she opened her mouth first.

"Happy birthday, Alice!"

It took her a minute to step in and push the balloons into the backseat. As soon as she was settled she threw her arms around me. She smelled nice.

"Thanks, Nessie. I thought we said no gifts."

"Yeah, well, I didn't listen."

"Clearly," I laughed.

Then she whistled as she took in the interior of my new Porsche.

"_Nice_. Was this a birthday gift?"

"Nope. Just traded it for the Lexus. Daddy managed to dazzle the salesman and got a nice discount on the rest."

"Lovely."

Back at home I found a package addressed to me on the front steps. There was no return address and I didn't remember ordering anything recently. I sighed, concluding it was a gift from my grandma or my aunt or something.

Nessie and I went straight to the kitchen and she sat on the island, placing the gifts and balloons on the counter.

"I thought you said you guys weren't having a party," she said eyeing the platter full of snacks.

"We're not," I tore through the packing tape with my keys. "That's just for Emmett and his hungry ass friends—or anybody. Help yourself."

"He is so _big_."

I stared at her blankly and fought hard to keep my mouth shut. Her comment had a totally different meaning after that conversation with Emmett this morning. If I said something, I would not have been able to stop and Rosalie wasn't here to save Nessie from my hard-to-control nature.

"No wonder he's always hungry," she mused with a dreamy smile. "You know he ate like six plates of that chicken they had yesterday at Rose's ceremony? He kept stealing food from me too."

"Yeah, that sounds like Emmett. Say, what'd you get him?" I cocked my head towards the gift bags.

"Oh, just this game he's been talking about and a few—"

"The fuck is this?"

I literally threw myself at her when she pulled a piece of fabric out of the bag. I snatched it from her.

"Oh, it's a wash rag," I sighed. "Wait, you're giving him a wash rag for his birthday? Is there some inside joke I don't know about? I want in!"

"It's a hat, actually."

My face immediately grew hot. I seldom got embarrassed, unless it had _anything_ to do with horrible taste in fashion.

I stood there for a minute trying to string something together that wouldn't spark emotional pain for either of us.

"Um. Nessie, I—"

"Emmett is _so_ funny. The idea came to me when I was at a thrift store with my mom and I saw this _hideous_ button-up shirt. I wondered what Emmett would do if I gave it to him as a gift. I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep a straight face but I did and I could tell he was trying _so_ hard not to show how distraught he was. I felt so bad! I was going to give in and tell him it was a joke but then he suddenly started telling me how cool it was and how much he loved it. Of course I knew he was lying but then I thought, _I wonder how many times I'd have to give him hideous gifts before he finally tells the truth_. So I didn't tell him. I've been giving him random ugly things here and there and he still pretends he loves them. I was surprised he actually wore some of it, too. If those things cost me more than two or three bucks I wouldn't have kept up with it but it's funny watching him react. He expects it now, but it's still funny."

"Jesus Christ, Nessie, why didn't you tell me this? Here I was thinking there was something horribly wrong with you!"

Boy was I relieved.

"Yeah, I figured something was up when Emmett told me you accidentally set the shirt on fire."

"Way to teach him a lesson. I like you. And even though the joke is on him and he doesn't even know it, I can totally see why Emmett likes you so much."

She showed me a coy smile.

"Thanks, Alice. I am so happy I met you guys. You and Emmett have made my life so much more interesting. You two are all Rose and I talk about at church now."

_Emmett sure made your life a hell of a lot more interesting last night_!

I bit my tongue again.

"Even with the foot sniffing?" I arched an eyebrow.

"Oh my God. That, not so much," she shook her head. "They weren't very fresh," she frowned. "Classic foot smell."

"You must really like him, though, if you agreed to that."

"I do," she blushed a crazy deep red.

"Well I'm positive the feeling is mutual. He let you leave that big ass mark on his neck!"

_Shit_. I slipped.

Nessie's mouth fell open.

"Before you he was _not_ like that. He was a no-loving kind of guy that said no to bite marks, scratches and hickeys—like that _Quickie_ song by Miguel," I tried to stop myself. I really did.

Nessie looked down and fiddled with the rag-hat in her hands.

"No, but this is good," I cleared my throat. "I am glad my brother can finally experience true love. Gives me more reason to make fun of him. But _damn_, Nessie, that mark is intense! I had no idea you could be so bold."

Rosalie needs to get here _now_.

"Not really," she muttered, avoiding my eyes.

"Well, whatever. Shit happens during the height of ecstasy. No big deal. I left a few on Rose's boobs the last time we had sex—that night we went bowling," well, the last time _she _fucked me and wouldn't let me return the favor.

Damn, that was a long time ago.

How am I just noticing this?

"Well at least you left them where nobody could see."

"Emmett would not embarrass you like that. You left it low enough for him to hide it without people getting suspicious. He showed me because—well, believe it or not, we're kind of like best friends. Do not tell him I said that. What was I saying? Oh. You're absolutely fine. You know I won't say anything. Except maybe to Rose, but she knows how to keep her mouth shut too. Don't worry about it," I shrugged.

The doorbell rang.

"Speaking of Rose, that's probably her," I darted for the front door.

It surprised and slightly aroused me to see both Rosalie and Jasper standing together on the porch when I opened the door. They both looked fucking sexy. I wanted to tear their clothes off and watch them touch and make out—then join them.

What the hell is _wrong_ with me?

"We both pulled up at the same time," Jasper said with a chuckle after a few seconds.

Damn his southern accent is _sexy_.

"Happy birthday!" Rosalie pulled me close and gave me a tight squeeze. "You're beautiful," she whispered.

I immediately pulled her down for a wet and sloppy kiss.

"Alice," Rosalie pulled back. "My parents are in the driveway."

Oh. Oops.

I peeked behind Rosalie and her folks smiled and waved at me from the car.

"Happy birthday, Alice! Send our wishes to Emmett as well! God bless!" Mrs. Hale shouted.

"Thank you!" I waved back and they left. "Excuse me, ma'am, but I need to perform a full body search to ensure you're not carrying any birthday gifts, else you will not be permitted to come inside," I drew her against me and peered at Jasper. "You too, sir."

"I actually listened to you, Alice, but go ahead," Rosalie backed up and stood spread eagle. "No cavity search?" She produced a small smirk.

"Do not tempt me, lady!" I growled as I ran my hands down her sides.

She obviously wasn't hiding anything under that cozy dress she was wearing, but what kind of idiot would I be to pass feeling her up in broad daylight with Jasper watching?

"Really, Alice?" Nessie showed up, leaning against the doorframe and folding her arms.

"I should have done the same to you," my hands pressed shamelessly into Rosalie's soft ass.

I glanced at Jasper. I think he was having an orgasm. I pushed against Rosalie and pecked her on the lips.

"You're clear. Next," I beckoned Jasper closer.

He took two steps forward, spreading his arms and legs in a stance identical to the one Rosalie braced for me. The second my hands touched his firm, subtly sculpted abdomen I almost came. I had to bite the inside of my lip as I traveled up his tight sides. My hands lingered on his solid pectorals as I tried to remember what he looked like topless.

I quickly broke out of my trance and moved down, gasping when I spotted his crotch. He was definitely starting to strain under those comfy wrangler jeans. I _almost_ reached out to touch it.

"You're not hiding a gift down there, are you?" I asked nervously.

Fuck, of course he is! And I want it!

"Um. No," I could barely hear him.

I backed away and turned towards the girls, looking only slightly guilty. They were both staring at me with amused smirks.

Rosalie is so fucking cool to be cool with that. We did agree staring was fine but we never discussed touching. I'll have to thank her thoroughly for that later.

Emmett showed up just then with his football team of friends and—Bella. The hell? She hopped out of Tyler Crowley's lap looking pissed the fuck off, mumbling harshly about some nasty stench as she climbed the porch steps.

"How'd you end up with them? I thought Renee was dropping you off."

"Yeah well that was before I left last night and slept over at Eric's. And Ben took a fucking shit on himself," she huffed.

"Oh, you were with them both? Did Eric put it up Ben's ass?"

"No I mean I think he shit on himself in the car. James was with us last night, though. And Eric put it up his ass. After he was done with me, of course. Then I fucked James."

"Oh."

Thirty minutes later everyone who was invited had showed up. There were about twelve of us total, and I did not fail to notice that Rosalie, Bella, Nessie and I were the only girls there. The majority of the guys there were Emmett's friends anyway. I only cared to have the girls and Jasper over. Jasper was actually invited by us both, but he hung out with my little group as Emmett and his friends got all rowdy over that new video game Nessie got him.

We let the loud kids have the basement while the rest of us claimed the living room. Nessie opted to stay with Emmett and I tried to get Bella's attention twice to ask her if she wanted to join us upstairs but she was busy flirting with some guy I've never seen before in my life. Bella loves her some new meat.

So my little group consisted of just Rosalie, Jasper, and me.

"So," I cleared my throat as I circled the coffee table in the middle of the room. "What would you two like to do?"

"You tell us. It's _your_ birthday," Rosalie sat back on the beige leather couch.

If it were truly up to me, I'd be spread out on top of the coffee table with Jasper between my legs and Rosalie sitting on my face. They would be making out as I eat her pussy and let Jasper have his way with me. And _then_ she'd get on all fours and I'd watch him give her a thorough pounding from behind—but not before she gets down on her knees and sucks my juices off his dick.

Can I _not_ think about sex for five seconds? God? Jesus? Help me out. Corn chips, corn, chips, corn and chips—fuck it.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "Jas? Any ideas?"

"Well, before you guys invited me over I'd planned to watch cowboy movies all d—"

He cut himself short, realizing his unintentional and slightly embarrassing reflection of our fateful past. Even after having talked about it, any keyword that sparked a memory was still enough to make us both a little uneasy. For me it was more of a horny feeling because my craving to be naked with him again only intensified whenever he was around.

Surprisingly, I had nothing to say. I could not even come up with a casual way to brush it off. All I _could_ do was stare at my feet.

After a few seconds Rosalie's graceful and unaffected voice broke the silence.

"Cowboy movies actually sound pretty fun. I'm up for it."

"Well," he cleared his throat, "there's a marathon on right now."

"Great," I grabbed the remote and tossed it towards him. "You find the station, I'll find the snacks."

I mentally slapped and cursed myself as I shuffled to the kitchen. This was going to be a bit rough. Sitting in the same room with two people I'd like to fuck senseless—at the same time. I should have thought this through. I did not plan to be desperately horny on my eighteenth birthday. I might have to—

"Christ on a cracker," I breathed out when somebody pressed me against the fridge, snapping me out of my reverie.

"You seem a little…flustered. What's the matter?" Rosalie's lips grazed the edge of my jaw.

I spun around effortlessly in the small space between the hard fridge and Rosalie's warm body.

"I've been meaning to ask," her voice was low as her hands traveled up the sides of my thighs, drawing the bottom of my dress up with her. "Do you ever wear pants?"

"Come to my room," I grabbed her hips.

"What about Jasper?" Her breath blew against my neck before she dove down and, so very slowly, licked the same spot.

_Yes, he can come too. Pun absolutely intended_.

"Ah," my knees gave way but Rosalie pinned me harder against the cold, stainless steel.

She then proceeded to stick her knee between my legs for additional support.

"I think I—starfish your blankets—"

Her tongue was making it impossible for me to form a complete or coherent sentence.

"Hmm?"

"I changed my mind about—about the no gift thing," I took advantage when she pulled back.

"Oh I don't know, Alice. You seemed quite adamant about the no gift thing. I mean you threatened me all week," she attacked again, this time with her lips _and_ her tongue.

I stopped trying to speak. If Rosalie kept this up, Emmett and I would have matching bruises on our necks and I'd probably come all over myself. Her knee was simply providing light pressure between my legs, but that was more than enough to supplement what her mouth was doing to my neck. Shit, I'd have come even without her knee there.

I don't know how the fuck I managed this under Rosalie's spell, but I slightly parted my eyelids. It was just enough to spot and make out a figure standing at the entrance and my eyelids flew open for reinforcements.

"Uh, Rose," my hands went to her shoulders.

Our spectator and I were making direct eye contact. This was way too fucking hot to be screaming and jerking away. It actually elicited a pretty loud moan from me and I did not mind it one bit but I thought it'd be fair for Rosalie to know we had an audience. I wasn't sure how she felt about being watched. Alas, she ignored my efforts and started nibbling on my skin.

"Goddamn it," I groaned.

I wish he would stop gaping and come here. I almost beckoned him over myself.

"S—somebody is in here," I mumbled.

Rosalie lifted her head and straightened up. I felt her eyes on me before she turned to follow my gaze. Jasper and I hadn't broken eye contact.

"Oh. I'm sorry," she was just as relaxed as I was.

The hell? Does she like that? She and I need to talk!

"Are you okay?" She asked after Jasper hadn't moved or responded.

"You've traumatized him! Rose!" I chastised.

"No, I'm fine," Jasper finally came to. "I shouldn't have walked in on you two like that. Sorry."

_The only thing you should be sorry about is that fact that you didn't join us_.

I was irritated.

"Did you need something?" I did a great job of hiding it, though.

"Um. I just came to let you know the movie's about to start in about two minutes. Just in case you didn't want to miss anything."

"Oh! Okay. Let me grab some stuff for us to munch on and I'll be out before it starts. Rose, go with him," before I pounce on you.

"I'll get the drinks," she ignored me.

"Okay," Jasper disappeared back into the living room.

I opened the cabinets, grabbing the first items I could find: pretzels, Honey Nut Cheerios, Nutella, and Pringles. I could just feel Rosalie's gaze on me but I ignored her and dug through the fridge, pulling out some grapes, strawberries and a can of whipped cream. The sexual tension was so strong that I'd have probably ended up fucking the next person that touched me.

"Well, well. What is this?" The amused tone in Rosalie's words made me snap my head towards her.

The Nutella jar and bag of pretzels fell to the floor along with my jaw as Rosalie brandished the toy cock I'd purchased online a long time ago. I'd _completely_ forgotten about it. I never did stop to find out what was inside that box after I tore the tape off of it earlier. That thing was late. _Very_ late.

"Did you have plans you were going to tell me about?" The pliable material jiggled in her hand as she casually waved it in the air.

Again I was speechless. I just watched as Rosalie pressed the base of the toy against her crotch and rocked from side to side. It flapped around madly, slapping into her upper thighs.

"So that's what it must be like," she mused, looking down and watching the cock flail about between her legs.

"OH MY GOD NO _FUCKING_ WAY!" Bella was almost a blur as she sprinted past me to get to Rosalie and my new toy.

I did not miss Bella's hand stretching out to snatch the cock from the base, thoroughly fondling Rosalie in the process. Rosalie gasped, and the expression on her face would have made me keel over in hysterics if I weren't so goddamn turned on right now.

"What's going—oh my _God_!" Nessie's shrill voice was right behind me.

I just closed my eyes. I mean, there really wasn't much else I could do. I wasn't embarrassed. Hell, I was far from embarrassed. Just plain horny. It didn't help that Bella and Nessie's piercing outbursts attracted all of the other eight people in the house to the kitchen.

It took a good ten minutes for the chaos to die down. All of Emmett's friends were cracking jokes and teasing each other about the toy having a significantly larger size than their own cocks. Emmett asked if he could borrow it for a minute to make a comparison. I told him to fuck off. All of the boys except Jasper asked if they could touch it. I told them hell no. Tyler asked who was going to fuck who with it. I told him I'd strap it on right now and shove it up his ass if he'd like. This went on for a while until—

"Hey, Jas, you've gotta check out this game!" Emmett suddenly blurted out.

"Yes. Okay. Let's go," Jasper was just as eager to get out of this mess as I was.

"He's only telling you to see if he can beat you since he lost to everyone else," Eric laughed.

"Fuck you, I let you win…" Emmett's voice trailed off as everyone but Rosalie and me filed out of the kitchen.

"_You_," I pointed harshly at Rosalie, "are in _so_ much trouble."

"Do you want to spank me?" She fixed her eyes on mine as she slowly bit into a strawberry.

This shocked me. Immensely. She was behaving worse than me! Instead of standing there dumbfounded, I grabbed her hand and dragged her upstairs to my bedroom. I slammed and locked the door behind us and pushed her against the wall.

"This is, like, number twelve on the _'naughty'_ list, Rosie. That's twelve more than what you have on the _'nice'_ list. At this rate Santa won't be visiting you for the next couple of years," I grabbed ravenously at her breasts.

She leaned in to kiss me but I turned my head.

"_No_," I snapped.

"I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you?"

Shit I expected her to put up a fight! Aw, fuck it.

Wrapping my hand around the back of her neck I yanked her down and our lips crashed together. I usually wasn't this aggressive, but it has been a while and she's been teasing me the minute she got here. She's due a little pain, if that's even what you'd call it.

The next minute we were on my bed, rolling over and taking turns being on top. In the midst of kisses, touches, and bites our dresses came off. I reached around her to unhook her bra and she pushed away.

"You said no birthday gifts," she was serious.

"I said I changed my mind," I tried again, and again she stopped me.

"I feel bad for not buying you anything, so I would like to do something for you. Anything."

The answer came to me instantly.

"I thought maybe you'd like to show me how you get yourself off. You are the one with thirteen years of experience under your belt. Maybe you could teach me a thing or two."

"I'm sorry, how I what?"

"How you play with your pussy and make her excited."

"Yeah?" Rosalie's tone was all but willing.

"I figured—" I had to keep myself together. "I figured it'd be nice to watch the real thing instead of fantasizing about it every night."

"Well, we'd have to move."

Wait, what?

"This isn't the ideal setting, unless you're suddenly into that boring shit," she eyed the soft, massive bed underneath us.

"Right," I nodded. "Give me a second to think of a more suitable surface. Suggestions are welcome. Meanwhile, let me just—"

I let my hands do the talking and reached again for the hooks of her bra. She did not fight back this time and even helped me take it off.

When Rosalie was completely naked and I was left in my red and white cotton boy briefs I took her hand and crawled off the bed.

"So," I could not resist supplying her pink, erect nipple with a slow lick. "Any ideas?"

"I like your staircase. It's really big."

My mouth hung open.

"Where somebody could possibly see us?"

Fucking unbelievable! The surprises just keep coming!

"They're all in the basement, right? We'd have enough time to escape if we heard somebody coming."

I'd be a fool to argue with that.

Without a word, I led her out of my room to the stairs. I gestured for her to sit down at the very top as I descended three steps and plopped down on the fourth. I would have sat closer, but her long ass legs needed room and I was sure I would not be able to resist helping her out if I could reach her.

Rosalie sat down, leaning back just slightly and planting her palms flat on the floor. Her knees were pressed together as she lightly rocked her legs from side to side.

"You sure your family won't mind my naked butt on the carpet?"

"I'm sure you've showered and so long as you don't fart or take a shit or anything then nobody should mind, no."

"_Great_."

Rosalie was all business after that, slowly parting her long legs and showing me her wet pussy. I grinned like a retard as the memories of the last time I saw her legs spread open for me came flooding back.

With her left palm fixed on the floor, she brought her right hand around front and squeezed and pinched her big tits just once before traveling down little by little to her pussy. The tips of her index and middle fingers crept between her lips, flanking the length of her clit and inner lips as she smoothly pushed them up and down to gather some moisture.

Fuck if I can manage to sit through this.

Once her long and slender digits were thoroughly lubricated, slowly, she started playing with her clit. I had to weave my hand between the railing and enfold one of the oak poles between the crease of my arm to anchor me down.

Her breaths and moans gradually increased in volume and frequency while her glossy fingers brushed across and around with painstaking patience.

"Alice," she muttered.

_Fuck me_!

Her pussy had been getting wetter as the seconds passed and now her juices were dripping out of her opening, slowly trickling down to her ass. That was probably going to get on the carpet.

"Rose," I alerted feebly.

"Alice," she repeated.

Her fingers still worked carefully on her clit.

I groaned as I clung to the wooden pole, watching the moisture keep seeping out of her. I could feel my own pussy going through the same process.

"Fuck," defeated, I disengaged my arm from the railing.

The next second my middle finger was sweeping upwards from her ass crack to her slit, catching and collecting her juices before they went to waste on the carpet. She removed her glistening fingers and I spread it all over her pussy, not fully attentive towards the fact that I was pretty much playing with her.

I froze when the awareness registered and withdrew my hand immediately.

After a few seconds I finally looked Rosalie in the eye and she was displaying a magnificently cunning smirk.

"Why'd you stop?"

"You're supposed to be showing me how you make your pussy happy," I reminded her as I eased back down to the fourth step, amazed by my restraint.

"Well I did. That's it."

"No finger fucking?" I asked surprised.

She shook her head.

"Nah."

"You've never done it?"

"Never," she confirmed. "Never found it necessary when I could get myself off just fine on the surface."

"But—but you do it to me! And so _well_—"

"Because I know you like it."

"You've never been curious?"

"Sure I have, but not enough to do anything about it. I figured maybe my girlfriend would be, though."

"Did the Bible have any influence?"

"No," she rolled her eyes. "That stupid thing."

I gasped. "_Rosalie_!"

"Anyways. What next, Birthday Girl?"

"Well. Your pussy is all in my face right now," I climbed the three steps between us.

"And somebody is coming!"

Rosalie tittered as she scrambled to her feet and darted to my room. As soon as I heard the voices I decided I didn't want Emmett to catch me sitting on the stairs in just my panties so I made a mad dash for my room. Rosalie was waiting for me on my bed. I was ready to protest, but as soon as her hand dipped between her legs I leaped onto the bed with her.

I started scooting back to bury my face between her legs but she pressed her knees together.

I glared.

"It's your birthday—"

"Exactly. _My_ birthday. When was the last time I made you come? Like two months ago!" I paused, the realization striking me painfully hard. "We're going to be here for a while," I pushed her knees apart.

My face stayed between her legs until she came three times. I only used my mouth as my hands tightly squeezed her thighs, pulling her closer to me every time she climaxed and panted out my name.

I came up and we shared an open-mouthed kiss as my hand reached down and met her clit. I rubbed her until she came a fourth time. Her hands linked around my neck and she told me she wanted me to finger fuck her.

I didn't expect her to make that request, but I was eager to feel her warmth around my fingers. I agreed that I would and started prodding around and teasing her for a while. She whined and squirmed but never said anything until a good two minutes later.

"Alice stop! Just do it already."

"Can you just let me be cheesy right now? I've never deflowered a girl before."

I _know_ finger fucking hardly counts as deflowering. Just go with it.

Rosalie emitted a frustrated groan and palmed her face with both hands.

"Shh, it's okay baby, I'll be gentle," I combed my fingers through her hair.

She muttered something. I was only able to decipher the words _'ridiculous' _and _'ham sandwich.'_

"Are there any last words you'd like to say? You won't get to have this chance again—to speak your mind. As a virgin to finger fucking."

Rosalie removed her hands from her gorgeous face and glared at me.

"I will take that as a no."

After a few more seconds of poking around I finally introduced two fingers inside her pussy. She was so wet that they readily slipped in, so I went ahead and added another. It was like her pussy was a ravenous vacuum, the way it so eagerly sucked in my fingers. Like it was greedy for pleasure—greedy for _me_!

I should have said that out loud.

I started pushing in and out slowly, watching as she lazily drew out a satisfied sigh and closed her eyes. Her legs spread a little wider to make more room for me. I unwillingly ignored her clit, just so she could feel the sole pleasure of my penetrating digits.

Okay I really need to start verbalizing some of these things.

So I shall.

"Oh, _Rosie_!" I grunted. "It's _so_ tight! So warm and supple, just like—"

"_Alice_?"

Rosalie's eyelids flew open and she stared at me, her expression horrified.

"What, what? Am I hurting you? Do you want me to stop?"

"What the hell are you doing? Stop talking!"

"I want to build a home and live inside of your pussy. So inviting! Praise the sweet Lord Jesus above for saving this special moment just for m—"

Suddenly Rosalie's hand flung up and hooked around my neck. She jerked my face down and started kissing me feverishly.

I didn't speak another word.

Just as slowly and diligently as she'd always taken care of me, I took care of her. Even with clit play being ruled out Rosalie was burying her head in my pillows and breathing fast. She stopped kissing me and her pussy muscles clenched tightly around my three fingers, followed by a gush of warm fluid. Low moans streamed from her lips like music as she tensed underneath me.

"Best birthday present ever!" I shouted, withdrawing my fingers and licking her juices off my hand.

We had sex for the next hour, taking turns and pleasuring each other simultaneously.

Rosalie slipped out an _'I love you'_ when I had her pinned face first against the wall with my hand working furiously between her legs. She was spread eagle and her neck was low enough for me to comfortably suck on. I heard the words loud and clear. Even through her whimpers they were confident and strong.

We both froze and after a few seconds she hid her face from me. I spun her around, kissed her hard and said those three words right back to her with equal certainty. It was the perfect finale to our corny afternoon.

To make things even more corny, we cuddled together on the bed, still stark naked and facing each other. Our legs tangled together and Rosalie kissed my forehead and ran her thumb back and forth across the skin of my cheek. So very sappy and I was loving every second of it.

"I have to say, this is the first time I've ever caught feelings like this for anybody. It's—lovely."

"I feel the same. So does that mean staring and touching are off limits now?" Rosalie pulled my face up a fraction.

"Well it still turns me on but if you don't think we should then I can make that happen," shit. I hadn't realized how bad I had it.

Suddenly she was running to my dresser. She came back with the toy cock in her hand and straddled me. Her wet pussy grinding against my lower belly got me excited all over again.

"Great because I'd like for you to fuck me with this before…" her words trailed off as she drew zigzags across my chest with the head of the toy.

"Before what?"

"Alice," she leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips, then moved her lips to my ear. "I want a threesome with you and Jasper."

* * *

><p><strong>I freaking hate the stupid cliffhangers just as much as the rest of you. It wasn't meant to be like this. But considering Alice's nature, I'm pretty sure you already know what her response will be.<strong>


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